309: Letting Go of Mom Guilt, Parenting Regrets, + Motherhood Mistakes

Do you carry mom guilt over things you said or did during the hard seasons of motherhood? Motherhood mistakes can feel heavy, but we were often doing the best we could at the time. Today, I am sharing how you can use the ADD model to let go of parenting regrets and unrealistic expectations as parents.

WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:

• [02:13] Why Does Mom Guilt Hit Us So Hard?
• [04:06] Does Nostalgia Have You Seeing the Past Through Rose-Colored Glasses While Also Wondering If You Did Enough as a Parent?
• [10:27] Do You Have Unrealistic Expectations And Misplaced Responsibility For Your Children?
• [15:56] Using The ADD Model to Process Mom Guilt
• [23:00] Want to Learn More About Ways You Can Apply The ADD Method in Your Life? If So, Grab a Copy of My Book, Emotional Confidence!

[02:13] Why Does Mom Guilt Hit Us So Hard?

If you have ever felt mom guilt, you may be wondering why it hits us so hard. When our kids are teens or in their early 20s, and are making different life decisions, we may be asking ourselves, “Did I positively or negatively affect their choices in some way?”

I have shared in the past about my daughter's struggle with an eating disorder and suicidal ideation (episode 210: My Daughter’s Story: A Christian Teen’s Journey Through Depression, Suicide + Eating Disorders). This is what started mom guilt for me. I was asking myself, “How did this happen? I raised her to love Jesus, to know His love for her in a very deep way, and I have always tried to love her and take care of her. So, how did we get here?” This big issue triggered this mom guilt, but it has continued as my kids have grown up.

Motherhood is not a single emotion. It is layers and layers of years of processing and things and decisions we have made. We are often saying goodbye to one season without knowing what is ahead in the next season. We will not know what it is like to be a mom on the other side of having an empty nest until we get there. Throughout this journey, we can be consumed with questions of “what if” and “why didn’t I”.

[04:06] Does Nostalgia Have You Seeing the Past Through Rose-Colored Glasses While Also Wondering If You Did Enough as a Parent?

Nostalgia also triggers these rose-colored glasses. I am sure you have found yourself saying “Oh, those were the days” when, ironically, when we were in those seasons, we were thinking, “Oh, when this season is over, I will be happier.” Sometimes nostalgia triggers this ability to want to go back and do that “Monday morning quarterback” thing, where we are looking at the game and saying, “Could I have tweaked this here? Should I have done that?” 

That is where I was a few years ago. I was a really good mom, and still am a good mom, but there were things that I would change about how I parented in that season. I would have talked about Jesus differently, or I would have given my kids more grace. The thing is, I did not have grace in my own heart for myself, and we are only able to give to others what we can give to ourselves. If I could not process what I was feeling, how was I expecting myself to be able to let my kids grow emotionally in some of these areas? 

Thankfully, the gift and joy in Christ is that we will never be perfect. There are no parents who look back and think they have done everything perfectly. We could all change some things that we have done. And what is interesting is that if you have younger and older kids, you can notice how you start to parent differently. 

Now, of course, we need to parent all of our kids uniquely based on their talents, personalities, and what they need from the Lord. But now with my youngest, who is 10 years younger than my oldest, I have a lot more space for trusting God with His work in my son's life. I am not as worried about things having to be a certain way as I was more inclined to feel as a younger mom. But again, that is where I was at, and we have to start by remembering we could only give what we were able to give in that moment.

We can also grieve what has been lost. A few years ago, I would have panic attacks when I would look at photo albums from when my kids were younger. I think part of what was hard for me when I would see those pictures was that I would see my little boys and daughter as toddlers, and I would think, “They are never going to be those little people again. They are never going to run around the backyard singing silly songs, and playing dress up for the grocery store.” 

But when I really think about it, I also hated what was going on at that moment of motherhood. I was so tired, overwhelmed, and the relentless pace of motherhood wore me out. I hated when people would say, “Oh, you are gonna miss these times,” because I knew I probably would, but the responsibility was incredibly intense in the moment and it left me so emotionally drained. 

We can come to God and say, “I am gonna grieve what I may have missed out on or what I wish I had done differently. I am going to ask you, by Your grace and power, use everything that you need to do to help these kids grow in these areas that maybe I was not able to give them growing up.”

I have seen God redeem whatever mistakes I have made in my parenting. For example, I have seen my daughter grow emotionally so much in the last few years. She has this confidence about her that I did not have at 17. She can speak up when she needs space or time to process, and I know I did not have those skills when I was her age. 

My point is that even if we feel like we have messed up or that we wish we had done things differently, we can trust in God. We can trust Him through the process to take our kids where they need to go. 

There are a lot of lies that we tell ourselves when we look back, like:

-We did worse than we did as parents

-We “ruined things” beyond repair

-If we had just done that one thing differently, then everything would be better now

The problem is that we are judging that woman by the woman we are now. We were not being fair to that person back then. None of us are perfect, and we did the best we could with what we had in that moment. We need to have grace for that woman and know that she was under a ton of pressure and did not have the tools to work through what was happening.

[10:27] Do You Have Unrealistic Expectations And Misplaced Responsibility For Your Children?

We also have to talk about unrealistic expectations and misplaced responsibility. We often take on the weight and responsibility of how our kids turn out. When you think about this, that is one of the most prideful things to believe. We cannot be that arrogant to believe our influence is the only thing responsible for how our kids turn out. They live in a world of all other people, conversations, and other things influencing them. 

As parents, we are called to lead our kids toward the Lord, to show them love, care about them, and teach them about these basic components of life. But at the end of the day, we are all humans, and humans are in charge of making their own decisions. Even if we were to raise our kids in a bubble, they will still have the choice of whether to accept or not accept how we have guided them.

I am part of a Bible study for parents of young adults, a group of couples all navigating this same season of life. Recently, we were talking about the frustrations that can come with parenting at this stage, and the common theme was clear: each couple mentioned choices their kids were making that they did not necessarily agree with. These are faithful, intentional parents who did their best to raise their kids according to God's ways. While each of our kids is great, they have all had us thinking, “I did not raise you to do or think that way.”

We have to release the weight of responsibility we were never meant to carry. As parents, we are called to lead our children toward righteousness, but ultimately, they are responsible for their own choices.

Even some of the most faithful people in the Bible had children who strayed. Take Eli, the priest in 1 Samuel 2:12–17. He was a holy man, yet his sons acted in ways that were far from godly. 

On the other hand, some of the worst biblical role models produced godly offspring. For example, King Hezekiah came from a wicked father, King Ahaz. You can read more about this in 2 Chronicles 28-29. This is just how human creation works. 

My parents are great people, but they did not raise me in the Church or to know about Christ. As a result of this, I made some mistakes and choices that I wish I had not made. My point is that even if we have that environment where we are not taught those things, we can still come out on the other side. God can still show up and work even if we weren’t given the perfect upbringing. God met me at age 19 through an on-campus ministry at my college, and that is how I came to know Him.

Our goal as parents is to guide our kids towards righteousness, but we have to understand that God is going to be God, and He is going to allow them to make the choices that they want to make. 

The other night, my oldest son and I were talking about faith. He said, “Mom, after I left the house, it was not that I ran away from my faith. But I felt like, ‘now I get to make my own choices, and so I wanted to make them.” He shared how he eventually came to a place where he wanted faith to matter. Knowing and growing in God had to become personal. That is when he started going back to church, joining a men’s group, and building his relationship with God on his own terms. That was such a gift for me to hear. It reminded me that it was not something I had failed to do, like all of us; he had to choose it for himself. 

So if you are in a season of wondering, “Did I do enough?” What if I had done XYZ?” Do not let the enemy trap you in that guilt. We cannot go back, all we can do is ask for forgiveness when needed and trust God with our children. 

[15:56] Using The ADD Model to Process Mom Guilt

Now, I want to give you a practical way to apply this, especially when you are feeling the very real emotions that come with parenting regrets or mom guilt. It is called the ADD Model, a tool I have developed to help us process emotions in a way that aligns with how our bodies work and invites God into the process. It is made up of three simple steps:

1. Acknowledge the emotion as real and valid.

2. Discern what is true and what is not true within that emotion.

3. Decide the next step you want to take in response to what you are feeling.

So if you are struggling with guilt or second-guessing your parenting, I am going to give you an example of how to use the ADD Model to process those emotions with honesty and grace.

First, we are going to start with acknowledge. In this scenario, ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now in my motherhood journey?” 

-Do you feel sadness? 

-Do you feel shame? 

-Do you feel fear that you ruined something? 

-Do you feel angry at yourself, at your child, at the circumstances, or at the limitations that you were under during that season or right now? 

Bring up those feelings before the Lord without judgment. There are still times when I need to do this myself, asking Him to help me process emotions or unmet expectations that did not turn out the way I hoped. And that is okay because we are meant to be real with God. He wants us to come to Him with our burdens, because when we hold them in, they can distort how we see Him and even affect our other relationships. So take those feelings to Him with honesty and compassion, viewing them through the gentle, compassionate gaze of Christ.

The next step is to discern what is true and untrue about this view you have of yourself as a mom now or in those situations. Are you living under shame? Are you living under condemnation? It is one thing to live under conviction, which is the Holy Spirit telling us this is an area where we need to work on, but it always has hope for change. 

Conviction is God's way of directing us back onto the path. 

Condemnation is the enemy's way to keep our nose rubbed in the dirt and to keep saying, “You are never going to change, this is who you are.”

Ask yourself, “is this condemnation or conviction?” Were you doing the best with what you had at the time? I sometimes think, “I wish I had done that as a young mom,” but I also know that that woman did not have the tools she needed. She was doing the best she could and worked herself to the ground to love and care for her children. I am grateful that in that imperfection, God is still at work doing great things.

You can also ask yourself these questions:

-Am I holding my past self to unrealistic standards? 

-What am I viewing as truth or as lies? 

-Am I adding extra fears or “what ifs” to this? Am I jumping ahead, imagining a chain of events, saying, “If this happens, then that will happen”?

I have been there, but the truth is, all we have is today. Stay grounded in the present and do not let fear distort what is happening in this moment.

The last step is to decide what we are going to do. What is one step you can take that honors what you are feeling, but also keeps you grounded in truth? Ask God to show you how to respond, not out of fear or guilt, but with clarity and obedience to what He is calling you to do in this moment. 

You can ask yourself these questions to help find what you need:

-Do I need to forgive myself? 

-Do I need to forgive other people? 

-Do I need to ask God for forgiveness? 

-Do I need to choose compassion over condemnation? 

-Do I need to celebrate the growth that I have had since that time? 

-Do I need to create a new story around some of those memories, ones with grace and truth?

-Do I need to go back, see that woman I was, and have a conversation with her? 

You can do this in a journal by writing a letter to your past self. Release her from some of the choices that you would have made differently if you were in that situation. It helps to speak life, love, and freedom to her. You can even start making a ritual for some of those triggering things.  

For example, I had a scrapbook that I made for when my daughter Susie and I went to England when she was 11 months old. We were visiting a friend of ours and left the boys and my husband at home. I had this scrapbook partially done, and I found it over Christmas break in a closet. Susie is now 17, so it has been sitting in there for a while. When I picked it up, I knew I needed to deal with those emotions. I honestly could not open that scrapbook for a very long time because, as I shared earlier, seeing my children as babies and toddlers was very triggering for me.

Part of my healing process was going back and finishing the scrapbook. It only took two hours, but in that time, I realized just how much God had healed my heart. As I looked through the pictures, I found myself thinking, “What a beautiful season that was.” And when I saw pictures of her as a baby, it did not feel heavy or painful anymore, it now felt sweet and peaceful. This was all evidence of the work God had done in me.

I pray that if you are struggling with this, God shows you a way to begin releasing it. Maybe it is writing a letter to your younger self. Maybe it is visiting the old park you used to take your kids to when they were little. Go there, remember what it was like, feel it all, and then let some of it go. 

[23:00] Want to Learn More About Ways You Can Apply The ADD Method in Your Life? If So, Grab a Copy of My Book, Emotional Confidence!

I hope this was encouraging to you, friend. If you want to learn more about the ADD method, you can find a copy of my book, Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture, on Amazon or at select Target stores nationwide! 

I truly love having these conversations with my listeners, and the easiest way to do that is through this form. Feel free to let me know if there is something you are struggling with, anything you are working through, if you have struggled with mom guilt, or anything related to the concepts of emotions and feeling peace in light of overwhelm. I will personally get back to you once you fill out the form, and we can talk from there.

RESOURCES:

Tired of up-and-down feelings stealing your peace, sabotaging your relationships, and filling your mind with self-defeating thoughts? If so, make sure to get my new book, “Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture”.

RELATED EPISODES:

210: My Daughter’s Story: A Christian Teen’s Journey Through Depression, Suicide + Eating Disorders