310: Detaching Yourself Emotionally from Your Kids' Decisions with Kate Battistelli

Emotionally detaching from our adult children isn’t easy, especially when we’ve spent years guiding their choices and offering support. But at some point, healthy parenting boundaries become essential. In today’s episode, author Kate Battistelli joins us to share how we can embrace the empty nest season with purpose, release the urge to control or fix our adult children’s lives, and rediscover our identity beyond motherhood.

WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:

[02:46] What Are The Struggles With Detaching From Our Adult Children?
[06:18] How Can We Let Go of The Responsibility of Our Adult Children's Decisions?
[08:13] What Are You Meant to Do Aside From Being A Mom?
[14:31] We Have to Make Time For Ourselves and Our Marriage While Our Children Are Home
[17:09] “Don’t Be Afraid of The Path God Has Put You On. If You Follow It, You Can Change The World”
[20:01] Alicia’s Reflections: There Will Be Triggers, Don’t Be Surprised by Them

[02:46] What Are The Struggles With Detaching From Our Adult Children?

As the kids get older and we start entering the empty nest years, Kate reminds us in her book, The After Party of the Empty Nest that there is so much to look forward to::

-New freedoms

-New career paths

-Marriage growth

On the flip side, there are also a lot of challenges during this period, where we are asking:

-Who am I now?

-How do I show up, especially as a mom?

-How do I detach myself from the decisions that my kids are making that I do not agree with?

If you’re a mom, Kate shares that it is not easy to detach because this has been your job for the last 20 years. It is also really difficult because you cannot make the decisions anymore. You are not the loudest voice in their head, and while we are raising them to “leave the nest,” when they actually do so, you are thinking, “I used to have control, and I could fix everything, but I cannot do that anymore.”

Our children are going to make mistakes, and this can be a good thing because they will learn from them, as Kate shared. Failure has taught her so much in life because if something does not turn out the way we want, we have to figure out how and what to do to make it work.

It is so easy to hold on too tightly, especially when no one tells you how much your role has shifted, she says. You can read all the books, but until you are living it, that freedom can feel like loneliness. In the beginning, it is disorienting, and you feel unsure about how to show up for your kids. You are asking yourself, “Do I text them all the time? Do I pull back?” It is like you are being asked to cut the cord all over again, and that is not easy.

Kate reminds us that our kids want to see us thriving. They do not want to say, “Oh, mom, she is just sitting home, watching Netflix, and eating Cheetos.” Of course, in the beginning, we are all going to mourn and have sadness, but after a couple of months, it is time to start moving out of that. Stop texting them and trying to be the main voice in their life. We have to let them go.

We also do not want them holding on too tightly. They could be the ones texting and calling every day, asking for your opinion, and sometimes it is time to push them out of the nest like birds do. It is a delicate balance of knowing your child because some need support, and others are ready to go.

[06:18] How Can We Let Go of The Responsibility of Our Adult Children's Decisions?

So, what does healthy attachment look like? What happens when our children do something that we did not raise them to do? How can we let go of the responsibility we have for their decisions? All of this eats us alive, and Kate reminds us that although we are no longer responsible, we have to be as available as possible.

Sometimes our children will come to us for advice, other times we may have to lean on God to support them because we do not have a relationship with them. Kate shares that Jesus leaves the 99 to find the one, and He is ultimately the one going after your kids. If we do not have communication with them anymore, all we can do is pray and intercede. But if you are still talking to them, hopefully they will still come for your opinion, and then you have to be open to them doing what you would do or not do. If they reach out, share as best you can, but try not to take the reins of that issue. Always advise them to pray and figure it out; that is the best you can do.

[08:13] What Are You Meant to Do Aside From Being A Mom?

When Kate’s only child left the house, it hit her like a ton of bricks. Of course, she knew that it was going to happen, but she did not know what to do with herself. It took her a while to figure out her footing. Kate started volunteering at a single mom's ministry where she knew they were making a difference, and she made great friends with the women there. This is one of the best things because it gets you out of the house and gets you out of yourself and the mourning you are in, she says.

Kate shares that she talked to a woman who was mourning for three years, and she told her that she needed to move past this. She reminds us that “mom” is not your only name. There is something else that God has created you for. There are probably another 40-50 years you will be on this planet for, and you are here for a reason. So, what are you going to do? What is your assignment to help build the kingdom?

We have to figure that out, we cannot just sit and mourn. We have to realize God has more for us. Maybe there is a hobby you loved, maybe you always wanted to start a business, maybe you want to go into politics, or go back to school. There are a million things that you can do. Kate shares that she was never much of a writer, but God dared her to pick up a pen and start writing. This changed everything, and now her daughter can see that she has built her own life.

If you still have kids at home, start thinking about what you can do now. Where is the Lord leading you? What is something you have been wanting to explore? Your kids will be gone in a few years, and if you start working on that thing now, even if it is only an hour a day, you will be a lot further towards your goal instead of thinking that you just need to wait until they are gone.

Of course, there may be reasons why you cannot do this, like if you are so busy or have a handicapped child, but if you have time yet do not know what to do, Kate suggests thinking about hobbies you have loved or something you wanted to do before having children. Now is the time to plunge in and pray. Ask the Lord what you are meant to do.

A woman wrote a testimonial in Kate’s book about how she went back to school to become a nurse. She graduated from nursing school when her son graduated from college. She went back to do this because she just knew that there was more to her life. Kate shares that we often do not realize that we are here to change the world and that God has a plan for us. He saved this time in history for us.

Again, we have to ask ourselves, “What is my part in building the Kingdom?” It could be a small part or something really big – either way, we all can obey or not obey. We can choose to be chosen to change the world, or we can choose to say no. Kate does not want anyone to say no, even if it is a little scary jumping into a new thing. She shares that she started writing her book, and she had no clue what she was doing. But God always brings the right people around you. If you are in his will, He is going to provide who you need and what you need, so if you are afraid, step out anyway.

[14:31] We Have to Make Time For Ourselves and Our Marriage While Our Children Are Home

Many of us get to this stage in life and realize we put a lot of energy into parenting. We may have ignored our marriage, are not married anymore, or we just now feel empty. Kate shares that when we are fulfilled in doing something, this helps us to emotionally detach from our children. We will not be so focused on them all the time.

Marriage is also very important to focus on right now. There is this phenomenon called “Gray Divorce,” where the parents get divorced after their children leave, because that is what held them together. It also became a buffer between them, and they did not go on dates because they felt they did not have enough time. We have to do things right now to keep our marriages strong. If we do not process the things coming up because we are busy and the kids are home, all of these issues will pop up when they leave.

We do not start saving for retirement when we retire, we start years ahead. The same thing should apply to our marriages. In her latest book, Kate has an entire chapter on date night ideas. It is so much easier to do than we think, but we have to make time to do it.

Being a single mom is a whole different story, but you can still get out and start doing things so you are not lonely and in depression when your children leave. When you are a single mom, it is doubly empty since you do not have someone to come home to, and that is very difficult. But you, too, have a second act, and that is always the best part of the play.

[17:09] “Don’t Be Afraid of The Path God Has Put You On. If You Follow It, You Can Change The World”

Kate shares that being able to step into what God called her to do, even when she did not know where He was taking her, has made her more settled in who she is. In America, we are stuck in our comfort zones, and it is easy for the majority of us to just have a great life and not do much to make a difference, Kate shared. But if we can have the courage to say yes to God, even when it is scary and you do not want to do it, then you will be brought into a season that you cannot even imagine.

Kate knows that she is doing what she is supposed to be doing and will change if God calls her to. She shares that He takes us on 90-degree turns many times during our lives, and obedience is key. That is what is going to allow us to feel satisfied with our lives. Even when it is hard because some of us are going to have to go through really hard things, but are we willing to lay down our lives? Are we willing to take a risk? Kate’s message is to not be afraid, get out there and do the thing He is calling you to do, because if you do it, you will change the world.

[20:01] Alicia’s Reflections: There Will Be Triggers, Don’t Be Surprised by Them

One of the best strategies for this season is to be aware that there will be several triggers that are going to come as we interact with our kids. We need to not be surprised by them and to see them for what they are. For example, there may be some choices that your son or daughter might make in terms of:

-Where they live
-Their career or lack of career
-The person they are dating or marrying
-The choices they make about drugs or alcohol that are contrary to what you grew up teaching them.
-Walking away from church

When we can start to sense and see some of these things happening in our kids' lives, we can begin to see that there might be some landmines that the enemy might try to set up.

I once heard Joyce Meyer say that “The devil sets you up to set you up.” So if we know that there are some situations that a child is walking through that we do not agree with, we first need to pray, as Kate advised. We need to be praying for us to have that child come in alignment with what the truth is, whichever way that looks like, whether it is following Jesus more closely or finding a truth to straighten out the path that they are on.

We also need to watch our thoughts and expect that there may be other triggers that will come up to make us feel guilty or have us doubting our confidence as a parent. We need to expect this to happen, so we are not surprised by it.

We can use a tool like the ADD model that I teach in my book, Emotional Confidence, to get us through this trigger.

We first need to start by acknowledging it. We need to admit it, see why it is there, and allow God to give us His compassion and empathy for why we are upset.

Then we move to the discern step where we look at what is true and not true. We can ask ourselves, “What have I allowed to spiral out of control?” We can often let fear completely derail the situation at hand and send us down a path, or we can personalize things that were never meant to be personalized. So discerning means to say “It is true that xyz, but it is not true that xyz.”

After we receive His compassion in the acknowledge step, receive His clarity in the discern step, we need to decide to move forward. We need to say, “Lord, I know that there is only so much I can do as a mom, what power do I have left here?” As a reminder, we can control:

-How we react
-How it affects our view of ourselves
-How we are praying or interceding for this child
-If we are showing up, loving, caring, and exhibiting the fruits of the Spirit that Christ wants us to share.

Those are things that we can control, and we can also surrender things that may need to be surrendered. We can choose to pick up other activities and have an identity besides “mom”. We can ask God, “What are some other names and other avenues that you want to use me in this season?”

I pray that if you are in this season of feeling like you need to be able to detach yourself from some of the decisions your kids are making, because now you are in this emptiness stage, you are not alone. You have more control than you think, but it is very helpful to own what you are feeling, discern what the truth is in that, and let God lead you through it. If you are walking through this, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Reach out through this form so we can have a conversation. I look forward to talking with you!

RESOURCES:

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Connect with author Kate Battistelli

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