311: Emotionally Immature Parents: How Can We Stay Emotionally Healthy While Loving Them Well?
How do we love and honor emotionally immature parents without losing ourselves in the process? In this raw and compassionate episode, I share biblical, emotional, and practical wisdom for navigating the complex relationship with emotionally immature parents—especially when their behavior triggers deep wounds, guilt, and confusion.
How do we love and honor emotionally immature parents without losing ourselves in the process? In this vulnerable and practical episode, I walk through what it means to process grief, set boundaries, and use the A.D.D. emotional management method to navigate these relationships with courage and clarity. If your parent’s emotional immaturity has left you feeling unseen, guilty, or stuck in a cycle of people-pleasing, this episode offers truth, tools, and grace for your journey.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:
- [01:43] What Is an Emotionally Immature Parent? The Signs You Might Be Missing
- [05:00] Why Is This Relationship So Confusing? Grieving the Parent You Never Had
- [08:09] What Does It Mean to Love Without Losing Yourself?
- [11:00] Are You Falling into the Guilt and People-Pleasing Trap?
- [13:00] When Love Feels Like Obligation: Understanding Emotional Enmeshment
- [16:00] How Can the A.D.D. Method Help You Manage Emotions Around a Toxic Parent?
- [23:00] What Do Healthy Boundaries with Emotionally Immature Parents Actually Look Like?
- [30:45] Boundaries Aren’t Rejection—They’re a Clear Act of Emotional Responsibility
[01:43] What Is an Emotionally Immature Parent? The Signs You Might Be Missing
An emotionally immature parent may appear functional in daily life, but relationally, they show up in ways that are self-centered, dismissive, or incapable of emotional connection. They may redirect conversations back to themselves, avoid responsibility for how their actions impact others, or become defensive when you try to share how you feel. These parents often struggle to validate your emotions and are easily overwhelmed by conflict or stress.
They may also use guilt to manipulate you—phrases like “After everything I’ve done for you” or passive-aggressive behaviors that leave you feeling emotionally small. Often, they are incapable of having mutual or deep conversations. You might notice that when you share something personal or emotional, they change the subject, diminish what you’ve said, or make it about them. These are not isolated issues—they form a pattern that leaves us feeling confused, lonely, or unseen.
[05:00] Why Is This Relationship So Confusing? Grieving the Parent You Never Had
One of the most important truths to acknowledge is that this kind of relationship requires grief. There is a deep, unspoken sadness in realizing that your parent may never be the kind of emotionally safe, attuned person you hoped for. That grief can feel disorienting. You may wrestle with thoughts like, “Why can’t I have a normal conversation with my mom? Why do I always feel like the adult in the relationship?”
This is called emotional orphaning. The parent is physically in your life, but they are emotionally unavailable. It’s a unique kind of loss—one that doesn’t often get named. And because emotional connection is something God wired us to crave from our parents, that loss stings. It makes us question our worth and our expectations.
But God doesn’t leave us in that grief. He can meet us there and fill those gaps through Himself and other people. Still, we have to let ourselves grieve what wasn’t. We have to name the wound and begin the process of healing instead of pretending it’s not there.
[08:09] What Does It Mean to Love Without Losing Yourself?
When you’re dealing with an emotionally immature parent, loving them well doesn’t mean sacrificing your peace or becoming a doormat. It’s important to redefine what love actually means in this context. Love is not about rescuing, fixing, or endlessly absorbing emotional dysfunction. Love includes truth. Love includes limits.
Loving well means showing up with honesty and compassion, but also with a clear understanding of your own boundaries. It means recognizing when a conversation is harmful or when continuing to engage is only deepening the cycle. And it means letting go of the fantasy that, “If I just try harder, they’ll finally get it.”
Jesus didn’t call us to codependency. He called us to lay down our lives, yes—but not to abandon who we are in the process. You can still honor your parents and honor your own emotional health. You can love from a distance. You can limit access. You can choose peace over people-pleasing. That is love, too.
[11:00] Are You Falling into the Guilt and People-Pleasing Trap?
Many of us were raised to believe that honoring our parents meant always saying yes, always showing up, and never disappointing them. But that interpretation isn’t biblical—it’s cultural. And when your parent uses guilt or shame to control you, that’s not love. That’s emotional manipulation.
You might find yourself thinking:
- “I can’t set this boundary, it will crush them.”
- “If I say no, I’m being a bad daughter.”
- “Maybe I just need to explain it better.”
That kind of internal dialogue keeps you trapped in guilt. It causes you to betray your own emotional needs in an effort to earn their approval. But you can’t win that game. And the longer you play, the more resentful and emotionally exhausted you become.
We are called to serve God first—not guilt, not dysfunction, not fear. The freedom to choose emotional health over emotional obligation is one of the bravest, most biblical decisions you can make.
[13:00] When Love Feels Like Obligation: Understanding Emotional Enmeshment
Emotional enmeshment happens when the line between your emotions and your parent’s emotions becomes blurred. You begin to think their happiness is your responsibility. You lose touch with what you want or need, and your self-worth gets wrapped up in how well you “keep the peace.”
It often sounds like, “If I just do what they want, everything will be fine.” But what happens is that you start boiling inside. That boiling water metaphor? You’re the pot. The emotional load builds, the stress builds, and before you know it, you explode—or shut down. And then you feel ashamed.
You were not created to carry another adult’s emotional burden. That pressure distorts your view of God, yourself, and others. You don’t need to keep sacrificing your emotional well-being to avoid conflict. You need clarity. You need boundaries. And you need permission to say, “This is not mine to carry.”
[16:00] How Can the A.D.D. Method Help You Manage Emotions Around a Toxic Parent?
When you’re emotionally overwhelmed, the A.D.D. Method helps bring structure to the chaos. Here’s how it works:
Acknowledge what you’re feeling. Don’t judge it. Don’t shove it down. Just name it. Maybe it’s rage, sadness, guilt, or even numbness. Say it out loud or write it down: “I feel hurt that she ignored my news.” “I feel anxious about seeing them again.”
Discern what’s true and what’s distorted. Is your brain spiraling with stories that aren’t fully accurate? Are you assuming rejection where there may be limitation? Ask yourself: “Is this reaction based on current truth or past wounds?” Sometimes the story you’re telling yourself isn’t the whole truth—it’s a trauma response.
Decide what to do next. Maybe you step away from the conversation. Maybe you breathe and pray. Maybe you text a trusted friend to help you re-center. Emotional maturity is being able to feel what you feel and still choose how to respond in a way that honors your values and God’s truth.
[23:00] What Do Healthy Boundaries with Emotionally Immature Parents Actually Look Like?
Boundaries are not about control. They’re about clarity. A boundary is simply stating where you end and another person begins. It’s not about cutting people off—it’s about showing up in a relationship without losing yourself in the process.
Healthy boundaries might sound like:
- “I’m not comfortable talking about that topic.”
- “I’ll call you back later when I’ve had time to pray.”
- “I’m not able to come to that event, but I hope you have a great time.”
You don’t need to overexplain, defend, or seek approval. You can be firm and kind. In fact, the most loving thing you can do for both you and your parent is to define what is and isn’t okay. That gives the relationship a chance to continue without breeding resentment or codependence.
[30:45] Boundaries Aren’t Rejection—They’re a Clear Act of Emotional Responsibility
There’s a lie we often believe: that setting a boundary means we’re rejecting someone. But boundaries are not rejection—they’re protection. They protect you from emotional burnout. They protect the relationship from further damage. And they allow you to keep showing up with grace.
Boundaries can look like internal decisions too:
- “I’m not going to engage that comment.”
- “I’m choosing not to take that personally.”
- “I’m going to let that phone call go to voicemail today.”
You don’t always need to say something out loud to have a boundary. Sometimes it’s just knowing your limits and honoring them. That’s not selfish—that’s stewardship. God has entrusted you with your emotions, your peace, and your well-being. And He will guide you as you learn to protect them well.
RESOURCES:
Want help applying what you’re learning here each week?
Come join us in the Emotional Confidence Club—a hands-on learning community of Christian women discovering how to handle everyday emotions with calm, clarity and confidence.
Apply now at AliciaMichelle.com/club.
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