282: Emotional Responsibility: How to Stop Owning Other’s Feelings + Take Charge of Your Own
What does it mean to take responsibility for your feelings? Today I am discussing how we can take charge of our feelings in a way that honors both ourselves and the people around us. Determining our emotional responsibility is key to having a thriving life!
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:
- [03:27] What Does It Mean to Take Emotional Responsibility as a Christian?
- [15:36] What is Our Emotional Responsibility in Relationships?
- [21:55] Why is it Important to Determine Emotional Responsibility?
- [24:10] What Are You Responsible and NOT Responsible For?
- [30:23] What is God Responsible For When It Comes to Our Emotions?
- [33:14] 3 Questions We Can Ask Ourselves to Determine Emotional Responsibility
- [35:14] Did You Love This Conversation on Emotional Responsibility? If So, Get Your Copy of Emotional Confidence!
[03:27] What Does It Mean to Take Emotional Responsibility as a Christian?
Let's first talk about what it means to take emotional responsibility as a Christian. There are various ways to define this but I have broken it into eight key factors here.
First, as believers, emotional responsibility means noticing our own emotions. Recognizing and understanding our feelings, along with what triggers them, is essential. It makes sense to do this work because we cannot address what we do not acknowledge or cannot name. If identifying emotions feels like a challenge for you, I encourage you to check out episode 275: How Can I Name What I’m Feeling (When My Emotions Feel So Overwhelming)? I detailed practical strategies and provided resources to help with this.
The second aspect of emotional responsibility as a Christian involves practicing “emotional prep.” Emotional prep is a term that I use in the book Emotional Confidence and we discussed it further in episode 276: Do This BEFORE You Process Your Emotions (Emotional Prep). Emotional prep is about putting ourselves into a calm, balanced state (specifically engaging the parasympathetic nervous system) before using any tools to work through our emotions. This state allows us to access our logical mind and prevents us from simply reacting in fight-or-flight mode. To do this, we can engage different aspects of ourselves like our physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies, to shift into this state. When we approach our emotions from this state, we are better equipped to process them using our logical mind. This is why practicing emotional prep is essential to emotional responsibility. As Christians, we are responsible for learning how to activate this calm, receptive mode, especially when difficult emotions start to surface.
We are also responsible for processing our emotions completely. It is really easy to identify some of these “above the surface” emotions (like frustration or anger) when in reality, those things are only on the surface and other emotions underneath may be the root cause. Those emotions might be the focus that God really wants us to work through and using tools like ADD, we can work through both the emotions above and underneath the water. These episodes could be helpful for understanding and applying this concept:
275: How Can I Name What I’m Feeling (When My Emotions Feel So Overwhelming)?
277: Step 1: How Can We ACKNOWLEDGE Our Emotions Without Letting Them Take Over?
278: Step 2: How Can We DISCERN God’s Voice Over the Chaos of Our Emotions?
279: Step 3: How Can We DECIDE to Respond to Our Feelings In Light Of Biblical Truth?
The fourth part of being emotionally responsible as a Christian is taking responsibility for your beliefs and decisions. We have to be people who own our words, actions, and the consequences that come from them. This may require us to do things like confession, repentance, and even standing up for things that may be controversial or maybe hard to say. We also have to stand up for the ramifications of what may come from what we say – even when we feel guilt, shame, and other intense emotions. We have to learn how to differentiate between conviction and condemnation when we feel that feeling of “I said something that hurt somebody else and I need to take responsibility for that” or “I said something that I did not intend to hurt somebody but I know I had to say it with that conviction, so I am going to stand strong in it.” Episode 110: Conviction vs Condemnation: What’s the Difference? can help you here.
We also need to learn how to release responsibility for things beyond our control in relationships. We all have areas in our lives that are not ours to carry and learning to let go of control over situations we cannot change is essential. This can be difficult because we want certain things in our relationships to be different but not everything can be changed. Part of emotional maturity is coming to terms with that reality and learning to stop pushing against it. It is one thing to recognize a situation that we wish would change, but it is easy to get stuck in a cycle of frustration, hoping, or trying to force things to shift. This pattern can end up being destructive for both ourselves and our relationships.
Another important factor is that we have to be able to identify our unhealthy emotional patterns. We have to notice when we are stuck in unhealthy patterns which may include perfectionism or people-pleasing. We also have to notice when we put a toxic lens on a situation (like unrealistic expectations or a black-and-white lens). God and others in our lives can help us identify these things when it is hard for us to notice but ultimately, we are responsible for having those check-ins with ourselves to say, “Are there any unhealthy patterns that are developing in me?”
The second to last thing we are responsible for is seeking healing for emotional hurts. Every one of us has past hurts or experiences that have led to emotional struggles, and that is simply part of being human. These things do not make us “bad” or “wrong” – they just make us human. However, we do have to choose to address these issues with God and commit to working through them. There is a testimonial that I want to share with you from the book about someone who used ADD to help her manage these emotional hurts.
She says “I used to really struggle with ruminating on negative thoughts. If a friend said something hurtful, it would consume my mind for days, but ADD has been a game changer for my thought life. Now I can lovingly examine my thoughts and say it's okay that I'm feeling hurt or feeling rejected. ADD has given me permission and courage to be honest with other people too. I can tell them that was hurtful, and I'm processing what you said. As a result, my emotions aren't nearly so up and down, and I've seen a big change in my relationships”
So it is interesting that when we begin to notice and see these patterns, we have to say, “What am I going to do about that?” We can see and identify it but we have to decide to address it. There are great tools in Emotional Confidence that can be helpful!
The last thing that we are responsible for as Christians is regulating our emotional state. It is really hard to live in this world with so many things that can frustrate us and to try to stay in this perfect emotional state all the time. I want to remind you that you do not need to be perfectly calm and peaceful all day long. I do not think God wants us to be because we saw how Jesus had a variety of emotions when he was on this earth. We do have a default state, the parasympathetic nervous system, where we tend to be calmer and more peaceful. But some things are going to happen that surprise and shock us out of this state. When we talk about regulating our emotions, it means taking responsibility for all parts of our well-being –our physical, spiritual, and emotional state. This includes monitoring our habits and rhythms so that we are equipped to process emotions healthily.
I am often surprised (and I’m guilty of this too!) by how many people feel guilty for not being in a state of perfect peace during times of high stress. While God does offer His perfect peace, we must make space to receive it. This means creating environments where our bodies and minds can rejuvenate like taking time to pray, pausing to tap into God’s peace, and paying attention to things like sleep, sugar intake, and caffeine. If we expect ourselves to maintain perfect peace without tending to these basic needs, we do ourselves a disservice. Being emotionally responsible includes taking care of our bodies, minds, and spirits -ensuring that each part of ourselves is supported and equipped to manage life’s emotional ups and downs.
[15:36] What is Our Emotional Responsibility in Relationships?
When we talk about emotional responsibility in relationships, we recognize that it is not just us. First, in emotional responsibility in relationships, we need to ask ourselves “Do I need to share this emotion right now?” One of the best gifts that God gave me early on in marriage was figuring out that I do not have to share every feeling I have about my husband with him. It is not that I want to keep things secret but we all know how we have up and down thoughts and emotions and when we speak those, it has an effect on the other person. Some things just honestly do not need to be shared.
I cannot tell you how many times I have sat with a problem with the Lord overnight and let Him speak to me about what I might have been feeling and realized that I did not need to bring it up to my husband.
Ask yourself: “ Is this something that my significant other can provide or is this really something that God needs to work through with me?” Asking this question before you bring up your emotions can save so much emotional heartache and can bring so much more harmony to a relationship. Understanding who can fill the needs we have at the moment is crucial. It is not that we are meant to live on an island by ourselves where it is just us and God. God puts people in our lives to meet our needs. He gave Adam Eve as a way to help quell Adam's loneliness. All throughout Scripture, relationships are highlighted as important, yet ultimately, the core of those needs is found in the Lord.
One of the biggest questions I am always asking God is, “When is this a need that my husband needs to fulfill and when is this a need that only You can fulfill?” I am always trying to figure out in individual situations because as husbands and wives we are meant to help each other but they are not meant to fulfill all of our needs.
Now the third thing in emotional responsibility is being able to communicate those needs. If God tells us that it is time to share with another person, how can we share in a way that is kind, loving, and honors another's boundaries? ADD is a great model for this and we go into depth in my book Emotional Confidence.
We are also responsible for respecting others' emotions and boundaries. We need to acknowledge the emotions and thoughts of others while giving them space to process them. Even if we do not agree, we need to respect their boundaries because God respects us where we are at.
Lastly, we hold the responsibility to work together in resolving conflict. This means truly listening to the other person’s needs and seeking a solution that brings unity and healing within the relationship. Our role here is not to assert our own opinions or push for our way, but to honor others with a heart that is not self-seeking. This approach is biblically rooted, valuing respect and compassion in our interactions.
[21:55] Why is it Important to Determine Emotional Responsibility?
Take a second and go over those again as you ask yourself: “Are there some areas that I need to work on in terms of emotional responsibility?” If we do not figure out what we are emotionally responsible for, it is easy to get locked into shame, guilt, and all sorts of emotions around things that are out of our control. If we do not know emotional responsibility, it can be confusing in a relationship. Sometimes people will not take initiative because you have been emotionally trying to manage that initiative for them in an unhealthy way or that person may be trying to control and change you when you are the one who needs to take responsibility or set a boundary.
It is important to determine these lines of emotional responsibility so that we can own what we need to own – because we do not need more emotions outside of what we already have, right? Knowing what you are emotionally responsible for is one of the first steps to becoming a truly confident person in Christ. There are things that you are responsible for, that another person is responsible for, and that God is responsible for in every situation. When we begin to identify and outline those very clearly, it becomes easier to know what we can let go of, what we can surrender in relationships, and what we are being called to take responsibility for.
[24:10] What Are You Responsible and NOT Responsible For?
So let’s look at what it means to set clear lines of responsibility. I will outline a few key areas to help us differentiate what we are accountable for and what actions flow from that.
Your primary responsibility in managing emotions is to align your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and actions with biblical truth. This is something we are each 100% responsible for, even though it can be challenging (none of us are perfect), by God’s grace, this also involves taking corrective actions when necessary. If our words or actions hurt others, we need to acknowledge them, take ownership, and apologize. Emotional responsibility requires us to align our inner life with Scripture and to make amends when we fall short.
We are also responsible for actively loving others with God’s love, putting their interests and well-being above our own, helping, and praying for them in times of need. This love is more than words – it is shown through action. To love others well, we again must nurture our emotional, spiritual, and physical health. This means setting healthy boundaries, staying closely connected to Christ, spending time in His Word, and letting His presence transform us. If we are responsible for showing God’s love to others, we are equally responsible for maintaining our own well-being and spiritual health so that we can show up fully.
On the other hand, you are not responsible for others’ thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or actions. You are not responsible for what others say about you, what they do, or how they perceive you. You are also not responsible for any abuse or persecution you may face. These are not your responsibility, regardless of any mistakes or hurtful words you might have spoken. While it is important to own our actions it is equally as important to understand that other people’s reactions are their responsibility. We need to set boundaries in our relationships, establishing clear lines where it is not acceptable for someone to act or speak in harmful ways. We should also notice when we are being taken advantage of or when we might be taking advantage of others. This truth also calls us to identify situations and people that trigger negative emotions and to protect ourselves.
No one else can set those boundaries for us. Sometimes we will encounter people who, knowingly or unknowingly, overstep our limits and take advantage of our time or energy. And while many people are generally kind, some individuals might repeatedly cross boundaries. Our responsibility is to draw those lines.
I hope this message is clear because understanding what you are and are not responsible for can be life-changing. Recognizing these boundaries can free us from unnecessary burdens. I know I used to carry so much until I realized I was the one holding onto things that I did not need to. Setting boundaries and letting go of certain things was the path to freedom. My prayer is that as you reflect you might also feel it is time to let something go or to put up healthy boundaries for your protection.
[30:23] What is God Responsible For When It Comes to Our Emotions?
We also have to remember that with emotional responsibility, there is a third party – God. One of the things He is responsible for is determining the outcome of a situation, which includes when and if that situation will happen.
We can only control a certain amount of things in our life. That is not new news to you – I get that, but understanding that to our core and how that affects us is something that I hope that you take home today. When that is our truth, it means that we get to respond differently. It means we have to choose to manage our fears about the unknown and to manage those frustrations we feel with God about why things are or are not happening
We have to be the ones to step in and be emotionally responsible for that because God is in charge of the situation. He wants there to be open communication and honesty, and yet He understands that we live in a world that is confusing and hard to understand. So we have to be real with Him and share our true feelings.
Since God is responsible for determining the outcome of a situation, it also means that we have to take positive actions toward a specific state. Let’s say I was studying to be a nurse, I cannot just say “God, make me a nurse”. I still have to go to school, study, take tests, and learn how to be a nurse. These are things that I am responsible for showing up and doing. But God determines how good of a nurse I am and what kind of patience I have.
So there is this dance in emotional responsibility when it comes to God. He knows the outcome but we have to show up and take positive actions toward where we feel Him leading us – while managing those fears about what is unknown along the way.
[33:14] 3 Questions We Can Ask Ourselves to Determine Emotional Responsibility
Let us tie all of this together by sharing three questions that we can ask ourselves to determine emotional responsibility:
1. “Where do I end and where does the other person begin in this situation?” You and I are responsible for noticing our emotions, taking responsibility for them, practicing emotional prep, processing our emotions completely, and identifying unhealthy patterns. And it is someone else's responsibility to figure out how they are going to respond.
2. “God, where do I end and you begin in this situation?” This is the concept of surrender. There is that line between what we can control, what we are responsible for doing, and what God is in charge of. So where is that line for you?
3. ”Now that I can see what I am responsible for, what do I need to release and let go of?” That might be the situation itself, the surrounding emotions, or something else. What are we going to do about it? Are we going to take action, keep trying to cling to things that are not ours to own, or ignore those things that we really should be owning?
[35:14] Did You Love This Conversation on Emotional Responsibility? If So, Get Your Copy of Emotional Confidence!
If you loved this conversation on emotional responsibility, my book Emotional Confidence talks about emotional responsibility in relationships. There is a whole chapter on relationships and one of the downloads we include is called “A Responsibility Proclamation”. I have used this in my coaching and it is inside of The Christian Mindset Makeover. It is a statement based on a lot of the stuff we just talked about and it includes different Bible verses where we can choose to take responsibility for certain things and choose to release others. A lot of people have shared with me that having that as something that they can cling to when they are working through a difficult situation, strengthens them. We have both an audio and written version of this as a free download for those who purchase the book!
If you want to learn more about Emotional Confidence, you can buy anywhere books are sold after November 12. If you are reading this before then, can pre-order the book at Amazon or my site.
I was encouraged just by some of the comments that we are hearing back from the book launch team and I got this comment today from one of those ladies. She said, “I just wanted to drop in and say hi and that I got access to read your book. I started it last night and I am loving it so far. I already see such a need for this book as I have not read one quite like this before. I am not that far in but I just wanted to tell you that!”
That blessed me because I have a desire for women and men to have this book be something that is going to help them understand themselves, better understand how God made them, and be able to partner with God to manage their emotions. We can stop running from our feelings and use the tools in this book to have freedom from our emotions. If you want support in this, please check out Emotional Confidence and get your copy wherever books are sold.
RESOURCES:
Tired of up-and-down feelings stealing your peace, sabotaging your relationships, and filling your mind with self-defeating thoughts? If so, make sure to get my new book, “Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture”, coming November 12, 2024!
RELATED EPISODES:
110: Conviction vs Condemnation: What’s the Difference?
275: How Can I Name What I’m Feeling (When My Emotions Feel So Overwhelming)?
276: Do This BEFORE You Process Your Emotions (Emotional Prep)
277: Step 1: How Can We ACKNOWLEDGE Our Emotions Without Letting Them Take Over?
278: Step 2: How Can We DISCERN God’s Voice Over the Chaos of Our Emotions?
279: Step 3: How Can We DECIDE to Respond to Our Feelings In Light Of Biblical Truth?