352: Managing the Mental Overwhelm of Caring for an Aging Parent with Linda Larson
Caring for an aging parent: so many of my friends are in this stage right now! If you’re also in this season, you understand how emotionally overwhelming it can be to care for an elderly parent. What do we do with the guilt, the grief and the new boundaries we must set as we try to offer support on so many levels, often while also pursuing career and personal goals (and for many of us, still raising kids)?
In this episode, I sit down with hospice nurse and author Linda Larson to talk honestly about the emotional tension and the faith-stretching that comes with caring for aging parents. Linda offers not only biblical encouragement but also extremely practical advice for walking through this season well.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN
[00:00] Why Midlife Caregiving Feels So Emotionally Complicated
[05:00] What Emotions Are Normal When Caring for Aging Parents?
[09:00] Why Role Reversal Creates Grief for Both of You
[16:00] What If Your Relationship With Your Parent Wasn’t Healthy?
[21:00] How Do You Help Without Trying to “Fix” Aging?
[26:00] Why You Can’t Do Caregiving Alone
[32:00] What If You Feel Resentful, Exhausted, or Spiritually Ashamed?
[37:00] Where Can You Find Faith-Based and Practical Support?
[00:00] Why Midlife Caregiving Feels So Emotionally Complicated
For many women, caregiving lands right in the middle of life. You may still be working. You may still have teenagers at home. You may be part of the “sandwich generation,” caring for both children and parents at the same time.
There’s a constant pull:
“I need to help my mom.”
“I have to take my dad to dialysis.”
“I can’t leave in case something happens.”
Linda shared that this season often feels lonely because not enough people are talking about it, especially in the church. There’s also an added spiritual pressure: I’m supposed to serve well. I’m supposed to love well.
And when you don’t feel graceful? That can create even more internal tension.
[05:00] What Emotions Are Normal When Caring for Aging Parents?
Linda has worked with hundreds of families as a hospice nurse and educator, and she says the most common experience is a confusing emotional mix related to caring for your aging parent.
Within one hour, you might feel:
- Love and tenderness
- Resentment and frustration
- Immediate guilt for feeling frustrated
- Pre-grief as you watch decline happen slowly
That layering of emotion can make you feel like you’re never doing enough. Like you’re failing.
And then there’s grief, not just grief for losing them someday, but grief for losing who they used to be. Grief for losing the role you once had in the relationship.
If you feel all of this at once, you are not abnormal. You are human.
[09:00] Why Role Reversal Creates Grief for Both of You
One of the most disorienting parts of caregiving is role reversal, Linda says.
The strong parent you depended on now depends on you. The hero figure now feels frail. The person you used to call for advice may now need reminders to take medication.
Linda shared something her father once told her during his final year:
“If I’m angry, it’s because angry feels better than helpless.”
That perspective matters.
Aging can feel humiliating. Losing independence can feel like losing identity. When irritability shows up, sometimes what’s underneath is helplessness, Linda shares.
Understanding that doesn’t erase the sting of caregiving, especially if a parent is angry or bitter. But this understanding can grow much-needed compassion that can help us continue to lovingly offer support.
[16:00] What If Your Relationship With Your Parent Wasn’t Healthy?
Caregiving becomes deeply complex when a relationship with a parent was not healthy.
Some of you are caring for parents who were abusive or never apologized for the harm. That history does not disappear simply because they are aging, and that’s OK to acknowledge.
Linda emphasized that working through these emotions is case-by-case. In some situations, offering grace directly can be spiritually transformative. In others, boundaries are necessary for protection.
You may need to arrange care through other people. You may need distance while still ensuring quality support, she says.
Providing care does not require subjecting yourself to ongoing emotional harm. Boundaries and compassion can coexist, she reminds us.
[21:00] How Do You Help an Aging Parent Without Trying to “Fix” Aging?
This mindset shift is powerful.
Linda teaches caregivers to move from fixer to helper. She shares that we cannot fix aging or decline. That we cannot fix mortality. But we can help our loved one through the situation.
Helping means offering options, providing support, and recognizing that adults have the right to make decisions, even ones we wouldn’t choose.
If someone is not harming others, they have the right to choose. That truth releases enormous pressure, she says, because it allows the aging parent to own his or her choices.
When you stop trying to fix what cannot be fixed, you free yourself from constant failure. This is an essential step for those of us who may be called to long-term caregiving for an aging parent.
[26:00] Why You Can’t Do Caregiving Alone
Linda reminds us that caregiving is a marathon–not a sprint—and that burnout is real. Linda has seen caregivers become ill because they tried to carry everything themselves.
To prevent burnout and encourage stamina in caregiving, she encourages building a care team, such as:
- Divide responsibilities among siblings.
- Involve grandchildren.
- Invite church members or friends to sit with your loved one.
- Explore paid caregiving options.
- Look into veteran benefits, Medicare programs, county support, or long-term care policies.
Even small weekly breaks matter. You are not meant to do this alone.
[32:00] What If You Feel Resentful, Exhausted, or Spiritually Ashamed?
Caregiving does not always feel holy, and I was so glad that Linda shared so honestly here about the difficult feelings that surfaced when she was asked to step into the caregiver role herself as she helped her dying father.
Linda was honest about moments when she loved her father deeply and moments when she felt overwhelmed and snapped.
Like Linda, you may feel:
- Irritated
- Tired
- Done
- Ashamed for feeling done
But acknowledging those emotions is healthier than pretending they don’t exist. This season requires extra grace. Not just for them, but for you.
This season of caregiving is not forever. And perfection is not the goal. We can help ourselves release the tension here and give understanding for these uncomfortable emotions.
[37:00] Where Can You Find Faith-Based and Practical Support?
Linda’s book, Walk Me Home: A Companion for the Caregiving Journey, combines story and practical tools. Linda explains that first half of the book helps you feel seen through relatable caregiving situations. The second half provides strategies for real-life transitions, including hospital-to-home care and safety planning.
She also offers one-on-one consulting for families navigating complex decisions.
Most importantly, she reminds us that God is present in the unraveling. “Christ is not absent from the mess, the exhaustion, or the tension. He is right there in it,” she says.
And if you are in this season, hear this clearly: You are not a bad daughter. Your emotions are valid. You are not alone.
Connect with Linda Larson via email at linda.prepare2care@gmail.com, or check out her book Walk Me Home: A Companion for the Caregiving Journey on Amazon.
JOIN ME IN MARCH/APRIL FOR A 6-WEEK STUDY ON STRESS LESS:
If you’re exhausted from carrying situations that won’t change and feel stuck in stress loops you can’t seem to escape, join us for our next 6-week journey inside the Emotional Confidence Club: “Stress Less: A 6-Week Journey to Release Control + Make Peace with What Isn’t Changing.”
Let’s learn how to process the emotions underneath control, release what isn’t yours to carry, and experience peace, even when circumstances stay the same.
Go to AliciaMichelle.com/club to join the March/April study.
RELATED EPISODES:
Ep 350 — Why Is It So Hard to Surrender and “Let Them”?
Ep 349 — How Can We Stress Less + Find Peace When Nothing Is Changing?
