270: How Can We Help Our Teen Girls Understand Their Identity in Christ? with Hannah Conway
Last Updated on August 29, 2024 by Alicia Michelle
Many of us wonder how we can help our teenage daughters, sisters, nieces, friends or granddaughters live confidently in their identity in Christ despite cultural pressures. How can we positively influence our teen girls' mental health? In this episode author Hannah Conway shares her insight on how we can lovingly help our teen girls understand how much they are loved and known by God so they can grow up emotionally and spiritually whole.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:
[03:10] 2 Reasons Why Teen Girls Struggle With Their Identity in Christ More Than Ever
[06:33] 2 Questions Teen Girls Ask About Their Identity
[09:04] “Knowing Who You Are Frees You to Be The Person God Has Called You to Be”
[11:39] How Can We Connect Deeply with Our Teen Girls Despite Their Natural Desires for Independence and Privacy?
[18:30] How to Love and Remind Teen Girls of Who They Are in Christ During Difficult Times
[24:10] How Can We Deal With The Guilt of Making Mistakes As a Parent?
[29:02] Alicia’s Reflections: What I’ve Learned About Encouraging My Teen Girl to Understand Her Identity in Christ
[03:10] 2 Reasons Why Teen Girls Struggle With Their Identity in Christ More Than Ever
Women have been struggling with believing the promises that God has for them about their image since we entered the world. Hannah shares that there are two main reasons why she believes the struggle for teen girls is heightened: social media and living in a “me-focused” society. Social media is currently in its infancy, and teen girls are not able to process it the same way that adults do (and let’s be honest, adults are not the best at it either!). Social media is great for some things but we may be scrolling and have the fear of missing out or seeing that we were left out of something and start asking ourselves why. This would even bother us as adults so when you are talking about teen girls whose brains are still developing, they are not able to process it as well.
In Western culture, we talk a lot about our rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Hannah shares that our culture is very “me-focused” and we are often pursuing “my dreams, my goals, my truth” thinking that this is what is going to make us happy. This creates an identity of self-idolization which leaves us empty, anxious, and often in an identity crisis. These two things are creating a big struggle for teen girls mental health.
[06:33] 2 Questions Teen Girls Ask About Their Identity
Identity crisis is a real thing and if we are not asking God the questions regarding our identity, then other things are going to answer it. Our teen girls are asking themselves “What is my purpose? Where do I belong?” And again, if God is not answering this, the world is going to lie and confuse us with the answers, Hannah says. Women are also losing their identity and we see different interpretations of what our identity should be – often in things and achievements.
It is important to remember that our teen girls cannot filter out what is not going to fill them up. They do not have that yet so they need to know foundationally who they are. Hannah also finds that many of the women she works with do not know who they are. So if they do not know who they are, it makes it difficult to help the teen girls in their lives.
[09:04] “Knowing Who You Are Frees You to Be The Person God Has Called You to Be”
Hannah has recently been talking a lot about ezer kenegdo which is a Hebrew word that means “helper” or “side by side” and it is the first two words that God called a woman. In our culture, the word helper connotates something that is “less than” – but that is not the truth. The truth is that since God also calls Himself an “ezer,” why would He call Himself that if it is “less than”? The word ezer has a military rescue connotation to it. It is like aiding, strengthening, and rescuing someone in a way that they cannot do for themselves. It is not a subservient or “less than” role, imagine it as a side-by-side mission together.
Kenegdo was only mentioned one time in the Bible, and it means “face-to-face”. So if ezra means “side by side” and kenegdo is “face to face” then together this phrase can mean a willingness to work together and hold each other accountable. And from the beginning, God's design for woman, not just in marriage, but in all of her relationships is to live out her life side by side and face to face. Hannah wants every woman she comes in contact with to know who they are and who they were created to be because that frees them to be the person God has called them to be.
[11:39] How Can We Connect Deeply with Our Teen Girls Despite Their Natural Desires for Independence and Privacy?
There is often a natural tension between us as women and teen girls. We want to sit down and pour all of this stuff into them but there is a resistance and they want to be independent and have their own space. So we need to have persistence, grace, and sometimes bite our tongue to break the natural wall that is there for girls in their teen years. As moms, grandmoms, friends and aunts, this means not giving our teen girls advice all of the time but just saying “I see you, I love you, I want to talk to you, and I want to go out with you.” We need to earn the right to be a voice in their lives.
This is not an overnight thing, it takes time. Once they know that you love them and you see them, you are going to be able to speak into their lives. Often times, more is caught than taught. They are going to watch what you are doing, seeing you living out God’s truth, and they are going to catch that.
This is also not something we do alone. There are many adults in our teen girls' lives and maybe something someone else says to them will help more. For example, a few years ago Hannah thought her son was going to die or go to jail. She did not have the answers for him but there were a couple of Christian guys who were in the military that she knew and loved. They would work out with him while giving him space to talk. They gave him insight and then all of the things Hannah was trying to get through to him would click when he talked to them. So as parents, we should be listening but they also need other adults in their life that can pour into them. Whether that is a coach, a youth leader, or someone else.
I think trusting the process (as much as that is an overused and horrific statement to tell someone) is important. What I mean by this is we want a concrete answer as to how our children are going to change. We even pray like that, like, “Lord, make this happen in their life.” I had to learn that although I am praying for specific aspects of their life to come to fruition, I have had to release how it happens, when it happens, and take the pressure off of myself to make it happen for them. Sometimes we need to just be there to listen and let them know they are seen.
[18:30] How to Love and Remind Teen Girls of Who They Are in Christ During Difficult Times
When Hannah thinks back to childhood, her father went to jail when she was eight. All of a sudden her life was turned upside down and she felt so much shame and embarrassment. She did not talk about her dad going to jail for years. This was part of her identity struggle but her mom took her to church every Sunday and the youth leaders poured into her. They loved her even though she had a traumatic childhood. They laughed with her, nothing was forced, and that had a huge impact on her. They showed her who God was just by the way that they loved her even if she was struggling with her identity.
Her oldest daughter, who is her niece whom they adopted a few years ago, has been negatively impacted by the choices that her mom made. When she came to Hannah’s house, she struggled because she was already experiencing homelessness and feeling not cared about. She came in with the identity of “No one wants me, I am not valuable.” But they came alongside her and they have been working at this for the past 4 years. It has been slow but beautiful to watch and they did not do this alone. Her youth group leaders, teachers, and so many others have helped along the way.
Hannah’s advice is do not do it alone. Get yourself involved in a church family and serve together. Have a few core people you can be open with and surround yourself with a supportive community. Ask God to send you people who will love you like He does that you can love back.
[24:10] How Can We Deal With The Guilt of Making Mistakes As a Parent?
As parents, we know that we are going to make mistakes. Not long ago Hannah was talking with her mom and she apologized for some things that she did. As an adult now, she can look back and say, “Mom, you were going through the craziest time. Even when Dad came home from prison, you worked through your marriage. God has you.” Of course, there are things that Hannah remembers that were hurtful but God has just shown her grace and mercy.
For the mother who is like “I have caused hurt in my child's life,” trust that it is okay, that you are forgiven, and that God loves you. Yes, there are consequences to the choices that you have made, but ultimately, we know that He is working all things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose and His plan. Hannah reminds us to pray for this moment because she has experienced it with her parents. Even with her oldest daughter's relationship with her mom, she prays that there is peace. Sometimes forgiveness does not mean reconciliation but we have to trust that God will work this out in some way. We have to have grace upon grace.
[29:02] Alicia’s Reflections: What I’ve Learned About Encouraging My Teen Girl to Understand Her Identity in Christ
These issues are not black and white and I appreciate Hannah’s willingness to be so vulnerable during this conversation. We want to help our teens understand who they are in Christ and it can be discouraging when people say “Just trust God and keep going.”
If you need extra encouragement and support, please listen to these episodes around my own journey of walking with my daughter through her struggles with suicidal ideation and an eating disorder. She even openly shared her story on one of the episodes:
210: My Daughter’s Story: A Christian Teen’s Journey Through Depression, Suicide + Eating Disorders
If you feel like you need to know how to support a teen girl in your life and to support yourself to be strong enough to show up for them, I pray these episodes encourage you. There are few resources to be able to talk to our teens about these things and there are even fewer resources for those of us on the other side who are providing that space to try to help our teens during these times. So I pray that you will check out those episodes and enjoy them well.
RESOURCES:
Godly joy is a fruit of the spirit, but our physical, mental, and spiritual states (things we’re in charge of) play a huge role in our ability to receive godly joy. Let me show you 10 practical ways to tap into everyday Christ-centered joy in my new free video training: 10 Habits and Mindsets to Cultivate Extraordinary Joy. Download it now!
Connect with best-selling author Hannah Conway
RELATED EPISODES:
210: My Daughter’s Story: A Christian Teen’s Journey Through Depression, Suicide + Eating Disorders
