269: How to Be More Playful When You’re A Control Freak
Last Updated on August 26, 2024 by Alicia Michelle
Many of us want a more joyful life and we’ve heard about the power of play as an adult. But what does that look like when we’re a type-A control freak? It’s really hard to release control, surrender and have fun! If play is hard for you too, let’s talk about 3 key questions to ask yourself to work through the mindset obstacles that get in the way of play. You’ll also learn practical ways to add play into your life starting today!
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:
- [03:25] What Is Play, and What Does It Have to Do With a Healthy Mindset?
- [05:51] Question #1: Does Play Feel Reckless and Scary For You?
- [10:15] Question #2: Does Play Feel Impractical and Wasteful?
- [14:26] 3 Ways to Slowly Ease Yourself Into Play
- [18:30] Looking For an Extended Period of Play? Join Us For a Soul Nourishing Retreat in Italy, 2025!
[03:25] What Is Play, and What Does It Have to Do With a Healthy Mindset?
How can we define what it means to play? Play is a space of freedom, letting God lead, having openness in your schedule, openness in your mind to explore and try new things, and asking questions with curiosity. But truthfully, play as an adult is really hard to find if you are not able to deal with the deeper patterns that are keeping you stuck in feeling not enough, unworthy, unloved, needing to know the answers, and having to control the atmosphere of every single situation. Play is releasing and letting go – which does not happen in those patterns.
Of course, anything is humanly possible through Christ but it is a lot harder to find if you have not dealt with those underlying patterns. In the Christian Mindset Makeover, we deal with these behind-the-scenes issues. I walk you through the process of understanding how those thoughts got there, why it makes sense, and what actions you need to take so that you can find healing. I lead you through a brain science and biblical process called brain priming, where we rewire the thoughts from the inside out. If you feel like you want more joy, play, and lightness in your life, release control and some of the heavy baggage in the Christian Mindset Makeover!
[05:51] Does Play Feel Reckless and Scary?
One obstacle that we may face when it comes to play is that it can feel reckless and scary. If you are someone who likes being in control and finds comfort in structure, it might feel that way. I can think of someone in my life right now who lives a very small and confined life because there is safety in knowing how much they can control. Of course, God can always come in and mix things up, but by doing things the same way and never stepping outside of the bubble, there is a sense of safety.
By definition, play is unstructured and unfamiliar. If you think about when kids play they are constantly asking themselves “What would happen if I did this?” They are exploring, unafraid, and uninhibited. If you feel like play is scary and you need comfort and structure, here are some questions you can ask yourself to work through this:
1. Why does it make sense that being in control is such a high value for me? (By the way, this does not mean you are judging yourself. Instead it means you are looking back on your life and seeing why the desire to be in control would be something you want to hold onto.)
2. What have I gained by feeling in control? How has that “helped” me in the past?
3. How is my need to be in control hurting me? What am I missing out on? What am I not able to access? What is hindering me? What is being in control keeping me from experiencing?
4. Am I willing to release control, even in a small way, to find freedom from the ways this is hurting me? Am I willing to give this a try? Some people will never be able to experience play because they have held so tightly to that life raft of being in control. That is fine, but we can miss out on a lot of the abundance, joy, and lightness of this great world if we are stuck in the need to control. It is not life or death but your life is going to be a lot more enriched by being able to learn how to play.
5. How does my relationship with God fit into my need to be in control? This is kind of a tough question because many women just jump to “I don’t know, me and God are good.” One of the first questions we deal with in the Christian Mindset Makeover is: “Have there been trust issues with God?” Maybe you grew up in church and you knew all the truths about who God is and how he loves you but there was a crack in your foundation in being able to believe and follow God. There is no shame in that and I would say that recognizing and working through this is one of the first steps you need to take to get where you want to be. Because if you are not able to have that cloud of safety in knowing that God is trustworthy, you are not going to be able to let go just as a human.
Consider those questions if you feel like one of the biggest obstacles for you to play is the need to be in control.
[10:15] Does Play Feel Impractical and Wasteful?
The second obstacle I often see is that play can feel impractical because we feel that everything has to have a purpose. In our most recent call in the Christian Mindset Makeover, many women were saying that play does not lead to any outcome on their to-do list so why would they do it?
I remember a couple of years ago, I was in a mastermind with other small business leaders and there was a woman who had an art studio for kids. I asked her “What do you do with all of the art afterwards?” She told me that it was more about the experience of playing and putting things together than it was about doing something with it afterward. As a mom, this was so foreign to me because I always thought I had to do something with the art. I thought everything had a purpose and a meaning which can be a huge obstacle to play. Many of us want to live freer, more playful lives. But if we’re stuck in the mindset that everything must have purpose in order to have value, then play will continue to elude us. If you feel this way, here are some questions you can ask yourself:
1. How does my need for everything to have purpose show up in how I perceive the things in my life? Have you ever thought “Does this relationship have a purpose?” How is this affecting all the parts of your life?
2. Why does it make sense that I have this high value of needing purpose? How has that served or helped me in the past?
3. What could be some of the benefits of doing something that didn’t have an official purpose? How could this change my life and bring in additional value?
[14:26] 3 Ways to Slowly Ease Yourself Into Play When You’re a Control Freak
I have felt both of these obstacles throughout my life but slowly easing ourselves into play is possible. Here are some ideas on how to do that:
Start by creating some small windows of time in a week, or even in a day, where there is no structure. It can even just be 30 minutes of open time on your calendar without a purpose. The other day my daughter said, “Mom, when I go upstairs after dinner sometimes, I'm not like on my phone the whole time. There are just times when I find myself staring at the wall for 30 minutes.” And I was like, Oh my gosh if I could have understood that at 16. This is amazing because she is just letting her mind go and having an open structure. There have been so many recent studies that have shown creativity in our children has gone down. This is because they have been programmed and when they are not in a class or in front of a device, they have forgotten how to play. We as adults can learn to practice that too.
As part of that open time, you can allow God to show up and direct it. One of my favorite things to do is find a day during the week to take a day off of work, go to a certain part of town, and let God direct it. I do not have anything planned and God always directs me into really amazing places. I try to do this once a month and this has been the easiest way for me to learn what it means to play.
Another way I bring play into my life is to change where I am working. I am blessed to be able to work from home so sometimes I work in a different spot in my house, sometimes it is at a coffee shop, or even outside. This is so refreshing and brings a new energy to my work day.
You can also bring play into a chore or something difficult. If I have to do the dishes or clean the bathroom, I set a timer for 15 minutes and make it a challenge. I first heard this from Joanna Gaines and I loved the idea. This also helps us because we are only giving up a few minutes of our day where we can focus on getting it done. It brings an element of fun and competition.
[18:30] Looking For an Extended Period of Play? Join Us For a Soul Nourishing Retreat in Italy, 2025!
I also recommend taking an extended period of time to unplug and play. This is such an underrated gift and once I learned the power of it, it became a nonnegotiable for me. I have created an event in September 2025, where I am taking a group of women to Italy to do this very thing. Of course, we will be eating amazing food, seeing incredible things in Tuscany, and connecting with God to work on specific areas of growth – but the gift of unplugging is the greatest one.
I feel like so many women, especially heartwarming working women like you and I, have not learned or have not received the gift of being able to completely unplug. I do not mean resting in different locations, I mean not having to plan anything. Oftentimes when you take a vacation with your family, you are still planning and calculating things. With a trip like this, you are completely taken care of for 10 days. What you are going to eat, where you are going to stay (an amazing villa on the hillside overlooking the village of Lucca), and where you are going to explore are all taken care of.
When I experienced this through one of these retreats (learn more about my experience here) it felt so great to be able to lay down that mantle. Play will be one of the underlying themes behind the Italy retreat. We are almost halfway full for this retreat so if you are interested make sure to check it out!
I hope that this has convinced you of the power and the gift of play – while also giving you some practical steps you can do to begin to unwind yourself from some of these mindsets that keep you from playing. If you want more information about how to work through some of these mindsets, the Christian Mindset Makeover is a great place to have support in doing that!
RESOURCES:
Godly joy is a fruit of the spirit, but our physical, mental, and spiritual states (things we’re in charge of) play a huge role in our ability to receive godly joy. Let me show you 10 practical ways to tap into everyday Christ-centered joy in my new free video training: 10 Habits and Mindsets to Cultivate Extraordinary Joy. Download it now!
Imagine if you could use brain science and the Bible together to rewire those inner lies that keep you from believing God's truth about your identity–those limiting beliefs, perfectionistic ideals, unresolved fears, and more! Join the hundreds of women who have found renewed confidence + freedom in the Christian Mindset Makeover!
Ready to refresh your mind, body, and spirit as you explore one of the world's most beloved regions? Join Alicia in September 2025 for a life-changing travel retreat to Italy!
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187: Pt 2: How to Step Into Surrender When You Can’t Stop Trying to Fix Your Life
