272: Healing from the Shame of Unprocessed Emotions in Your Life and Relationships
Last Updated on August 29, 2024 by Alicia Michelle
Do feelings of shame come up when you think about processing your emotions? Do you find yourself turning to distractions because you don’t know how to deal with them? Today we are continuing the talk about managing emotions with an episode that I hope will empower you to make a change, begin healing shame, and start to learn how to manage your emotions to live free in Christ.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:
- [02:39] I Am Sharing The Importance of Managing Emotions Not to Bring Up Feelings of Shame But to Empower You to Make a Change
- [06:31] Why is “Noticing” Such an Important Emotional Skill to Have?
- [10:38] Are You Allowing Space for Introspection or Are You Just Constantly Receiving Information?
- [13:40] Do The Distractions and Pleasures At Your Fingertips Distract You From Processing Emotions?
- [15:37] “I’m Already Exhausted, Why Would I Want to Deal With Emotions?”
- [18:40] Our Ability to Relate to God is Greatly Affected By Our Ability to Understand Our Emotions
- [23:04] What is Your “Why” For Getting Off of The Emotional Rollercoaster? Join The Book Launch Team for Emotional Confidence to Start Your Journey!
[02:39] I Am Sharing The Importance of Managing Emotions Not to Bring Up Feelings of Shame But to Empower You to Make a Change
This information is not meant to make you feel guilty or to bring up feelings of shame. It is okay if you do not know how to understand what you feel or how you deal with your emotions. Many of us have been taught to run from them, numb ourselves, explode over everything, or develop bad coping mechanisms. Many of us are starting at ground zero with managing our emotions. We can all ask God for forgiveness for how we have dealt with our emotions and begin to move forward with new tools and strategies.
I am also sharing these things because I want you to get fired up and make a change. We are being robbed of the growth, connection, peace, and joy that can happen. We are often our own worst enemy but instead of living in shame, we can choose to decide that we are tired and are not going to live that way anymore. We can decide that we are sick of the ups and downs and how we are unable to have the peace that Christ promises us.
John 10:10 says, “The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come so that they may have life, life abundantly.” if you are wondering “Where is that abundant life?” you are not alone. So many of us are caught in these patterns of feeling anger, then sadness, then feelings of shame arise, and we are left wondering “Where is this peace?”
I want to very lovingly challenge you to consider that maybe you do not feel the peace of God because you have not learned how to deal with these emotions. I know there are a lot of things that can keep us from God's peace, but this is a big one. Understanding our emotions helps us to better understand ourselves and who God is.
I am not sharing these things to get you agitated about one more thing in this world. Especially during this election cycle where there is a lot of division and anger. I am here to remind you that there is hope. This hope starts with you understanding and being mad enough to not live like this anymore. To decide that you do not want to let emotions run all over the place and that you want to decide how to manage your emotions. It starts with understanding how emotions work and how God wants you to work with Him to work through what you are feeling.
[06:31] Why is “Noticing” Such an Important Emotional Skill to Have?
The number one emotional skill that is lost in our culture is the ability to notice what we’re feeliing. In the Christian Mindset Makeover and any other program that I offer, we start by learning how to notice.
This sounds weird but most of us are always going 100 miles per hour. We are not thinking about how we are reacting to things – we are just doing and responding. Oftentimes we get our foot stuck on the gas position and we do not know how to take it off. We are just checking boxes and moving. If we do not learn how to notice and we are not paying attention to what is happening inside, we are not going to be able to move beyond being a “robot”. This world is becoming less and less human and there is always encouragement to do more and be more. When we force ourselves to do all of these things, we are pushing down our ability to stop, be still, and notice.
To be honest, many of us are not doing that because it is scary. If we feel like we are already stuck in survival mode, it makes it difficult to want to open up the “can of worms” of managing emotions. I understand this fear and feeling, but I am telling you right now that if we do not individually decide to dip our toes in the water of managing emotions just by noticing what is there, we are never going to change. We are only going to become more stuck in survival mode, more angry, more overwhelmed, and more segregated from what we really want to be.
If we want to be the women who are free in Christ, who have God's peace, and who can live in the moment while truly enjoying the blessings we have been given, we have to feel our emotions. We cannot just feel the good and shove down the bad because that is also toxic. Positivity and gratitude are important, but many of us do that at the expense of actually dealing with what is inside. Having the ability to notice our emotions is the first step in managing them.
[10:38] Are You Allowing Space for Introspection or Are You Just Constantly Receiving Information?
Someone recently shared with me that the idea of introspection and noticing is getting more difficult in our culture because we are conditioned to not deeply think about what is going on. Our information from social media, the news, or TV is given to us in these short little sound bites. We are all receivers of information and we are not necessarily even stopping or learning anything. Even our kids in schools are not learning critical thinking skills, analysis, or how to come to conclusions. We do not make space in our lives to do that and we are losing the art of a Sabbath.
We are losing all of these “little” things, and they are compiling up to this point where it is dramatically affecting who we are as humans. If we want to be more caring, compassionate, loving, and the things that God needs us to be in this world – then we have to start noticing and getting introspective. This does not have to look the same for every person, because not everyone wants to go super deep, but we need to at least start the process and find out what that looks like for us.
[13:40] Do The Easy Pleasures At Your Fingertips Distract You From Processing Emotions?
The other reason why it has been hard for us to have this skill of noticing is because we have so many distractions and pleasures at our fingertips. We can escape from anything just through our phones, eating something, drinking alcohol, or consuming caffeine. Many of us feel sluggish, worn out, and depressed, and we think that we just need caffeine to get us moving. We have all said “I just need a pick me up” when we are feeling sad, and these things are just built into our culture and who we are.
At this point in history, as soon as we feel distress or discomfort, we have something we can turn to. Now I am not saying we should not have comfort in this world, of course, God designed us to be comforted. But when we have instant comfort, we are going to turn from those things that are going to be more painful to process. Emotions are not always the easiest thing to process, and when we run to comfort, it just adds another layer and makes it harder to deal with these emotions.
[15:37] “I’m Already Exhausted, Why Would I Want to Deal With Emotions?”
You may be thinking “I am already exhausted by the end of the day, why would I want to deal with my emotions and bring up more challenges?” Let me tell you, it is like if you were to have a cancerous growth and just decided to put lotion on it. It may feel good for a little bit but it is going to keep growing and will become more dangerous to other parts of your body.
We may think that we can pass over these “harmless” things like our emotions, but if we keep putting them off it becomes a real problem. I get that we do not always have time to feel all the feelings but we need to put time aside to process them and develop new coping skills and habits.
These emotions are stealing our health and our ability to be calm. I recently heard that the number one killer of women right now is heart disease. And of course, there are lifestyle factors that affect this but there is also a really high correlation between heart disease and stress. If you struggle with stress, you know that it can cause you to become constantly agitated. These cortisol spikes in our blood are not good for us.
We have to start getting fired up to see how not learning how to manage our emotions is affecting us. Instead of grabbing our phones or a cookie whenever we start to feel overwhelmed, we need to begin to practice some of the tools that I share in my upcoming book “Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture”
[18:40] Our Ability to Relate to God is Greatly Affected By Our Ability to Understand Our Emotions
Have you ever thought that your ability to relate to God and understand His ways is greatly affected by your ability to understand your emotions? 95% of the women that I work with have grown up in church, have led Bible studies, and would call themselves committed Christians. They know the Word of God and yet there are often foundational cracks in their relationship with Him. These cracks have developed over time from unmet expectations, little disappointments, or unanswered questions from God. They end up at a point in their life where God feels far away or it is as if they cannot trust that He loves them. They may have heard all the scriptures and know all the right words but they may not truly believe it.
The thing is we cannot trust and bask in the beauty of being God’s children if we have these cracks within our relationship with Him. And oftentimes, these cracks are from unprocessed emotions. Having an open and vulnerable relationship with ourselves is crucial in knowing God. Processing our emotions allows us to live in the gifts that the Holy Spirit gives us. We have to learn these skills, teach them to our children, and share them with the people around us. If we are emotional messes all of the time how can we be the people who say “I believe and I trust in the peace that surpasses all understanding in this situation” We do not have to be perfect and I am not saying that we will never have emotions – what I am saying is having these tools allows them to be more in control.
If we are distraught inside and conflicted by all of these things, how can God's light shine through us? If we are these clay vessels, as it says in the New Testament, where God's light shines through the cracks – we need to empty the stuff within the vessel. We need to process these emotions so the light can shine out for others and for the sake of God's power going out into this world.
[23:04] What is Your “Why” For Getting Off of The Emotional Rollercoaster? Join The Book Launch Team for Emotional Confidence to Start Your Journey!
I encourage you to ask yourself “What is my reason for saying enough is enough?” DM me on Instagram with your answer, I would love to have a conversation about this. If you feel like you are ready to make a change I would love to cheer you on.
I also want to remind you that this is a process and a journey and as we learn and implement tools, we begin to see what works and what does work. We do not have to have it all figured out, it just takes a willingness to say before God, “I want to be different, please show me how to be willing to notice, process, and manage my emotions. Show me how to do this for my peace, my children, my marriage, and my relationships. ”
This is the place where my new book Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture will meet you. The book comes out November 12 and if you are interested in this topic, make sure to sign up to be a part of the book launch team. This is super simple all you have to do is:
- Pre-order Emotional Confidence on Amazon
- Share about the book in some capacity whether that is on social media or with a friend
- Once the book is live, write a review on Amazon or Goodreads
In return,book launch team members get an early-reader copy of the book and plus other exclusive bonuses!
This book is full of specific tools that can help you build your emotional confidence. I would love to have you as part of the launch team and please share it with anyone that you believe would be interested! Sign up now to be part of the book launch team at this link.
RESOURCES:
Tired of up-and-down feelings stealing your peace, sabotaging your relationships, and filling your mind with self-defeating thoughts? If so, make sure to join the launch team for my new book, “Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture”, coming November 12th!
RELATED EPISODES:
264: Should We Always Try to Think Positive?
271: (New Book!) Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science + Scripture
