285: Toxic Gratitude: When Is Being Thankful More Harmful Than Helpful?
It’s the time of year when being thankful is at the front of our minds, but when can this slip into toxic gratitude? Join me today as I share Bible verses and tools that you can use to process your emotions and step into healthy gratitude this season.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:
- [01:44] 3 Verses to Support Us As We Lean Into Gratitude
- [06:24] How Can We Tell When We Are Slipping Into Toxic Gratitude?
- [11:15] How Can We Use ADD to Work Through Our Emotions So We Can Experience Authentic Gratitude?
- [17:17] The Power of Thanking God in Advance
- [20:02] Do You Want to Learn More About Handling Your Emotions? If So, Make Sure to Get Your Copy of Emotional Confidence Today!
[01:44] 3 Verses to Support Us As We Lean Into Gratitude
Let’s start by talking about Thanksgiving and explore how it can be both helpful and healthy to lean into giving thanks. The Bible contains many verses about gratitude and thankfulness, making it clear that we are called to be grateful. I am certainly not suggesting we set gratitude aside during this season and as we dig deeper into this topic, I hope you see the distinction in how we approach gratitude. There are a few key nuances I would like to highlight within different verses and I wanted to share three of them with you.
The first one I want to share is 1 Thessalonians 5:18 which says, “Be thankful in all circumstances. For this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.”
Now you might read that and think “Alicia, it says to be thankful in all circumstances, even hard circumstances.” And I would agree but how do we approach that during Thanksgiving? Do we push through and ignore all of the things that God is trying to highlight in us to get us to honest Thanksgiving and gratitude? That is the real question we are going to explore here.
Psalm 28:7 says “The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of Thanksgiving.” This is a lovely picture of Thanksgiving and we all want to have a natural overflow of what is going on in our hearts. But let’s take a closer look at what David is expressing in this Psalm. How is he addressing the Lord? How is he viewing his circumstances? He says, “The Lord is my strength and my shield.” Think about that for a moment. Strength and a shield suggest that there have been challenges and things he needed protection from and the strength to endure. David is openly acknowledging that he has faced hard times, and in those moments, he leaned fully on God. That second part says, “I trust Him with all my heart”. So he is seeing it, acknowledging it, and he has decided to let the Lord take care of it. And then we read, “He helps me, and my heart leaps for joy.” The point of breaking it down like this is to help us see that yes, Thanksgiving is essential, it is part of our walk with God – but it begins with honestly addressing what is beneath the surface.
The last verse I want to share is Psalm 136:1 which says, “Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His faithful love endures forever.” You will hear this phrase over and over again in the Psalms and I love that we have this mantra to think about to be thankful because His love endures forever. When we know that we are loved, we can release everything we are going through. We understand that God is taking care of them, which causes us to burst into thanks.
When using the emotional management tool ADD, which I talk about in my book Emotional Confidence, we talk about choosing where to emotionally dwell. I think that is what this last verse is alluding to. We get the choice to decide, even in difficult moments, to put our minds on His faithful love.
We do need to be reminded to give thanks and to know where to emotionally dwell – but we also cannot bypass the difficulties we need to get there. Sometimes we have to walk through the valley of pain to get to the true mountain of joy.
[06:24] How Can We Tell When We Are Slipping Into Toxic Gratitude?
So how can we tell that we are slipping into this toxic gratitude that drags us away from being honest with ourselves and God? I am going to give you three signs that might help you realize you are slipping into those moments of “faking yourself” into feeling good. As a reminder, this is not to shame you, we have all been there.
The first sign that you may be slipping into toxic gratitude is ignoring your emotions or difficult situations to “be grateful.” If you find yourself dismissing your pain or negative feelings because you believe you should be positive – thinking, “God tells me to be joyful, so I can’t feel this way”, this could be a warning sign. Yes, God desires for us to rest in His joy, but that joy does not come from bypassing the hard moments. It comes from walking through them with honesty and authenticity. We will dive deeper into this in a moment and bring in the ADD framework to help navigate these challenges – but for now, it is important to recognize why this mindset can be so harmful. When we ignore our emotions or criticize ourselves for feeling hurt (telling ourselves we shouldn’t feel this way) it creates disconnection. True gratitude does not dismiss pain, it acknowledges it and moves through it. Ignoring or dismissing our struggles in an attempt to force positivity is the first step toward toxic gratitude.
The second sign of toxic gratitude is that we use gratitude as an excuse for unhealthy behaviors or lack of boundaries. We may say “I am going to be okay with XYZ and just be thankful” even when we know there is a boundary that should be set up or it is not truly okay. Using gratitude as a way to justify bad behavior or give ourselves an “out” in addressing something is a sign of toxic gratitude.
The third sign of toxic gratitude is shaming ourselves into being grateful because we “should” be happy with what we have. Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever thought “Just stop complaining, you need to be happy and okay with all of this?” This happens to many of us and is another common sign of toxic gratitude.
I also want to mention that this negative concept of shaming ourselves into being grateful being happy with what we have, is different from the call to contentment that God wants us to have.
We are told to be content in all circumstances. The difference here is that contentment is about acceptance, surrender, and peace – not shame. It is not about forcing, denying, or condemning ourselves. It is about releasing, not forcing. Can you hear the difference there? If you have ever had moments where you thought “Oh, I really feel content with this”, then you know the peace that comes along with it. This peace is usually surrounded by a surrender that had to come to get to that place.
I want you to ask yourself this question: “Am I using any of these concepts as I step into gratitude?” If so, the great news is that you can have a middle ground where yes, there will be challenging moments but you can address those using a tool like ADD and end up with honest gratitude on the other side.
[11:15] How Can We Use ADD to Work Through Our Emotions So We Can Experience Authentic Gratitude?
So how can we use the emotional management tool ADD to help ourselves get into honest gratitude? First, let’s talk about what ADD is: ADD is a three-part method that is based on science and scripture which stands for acknowledge, discern, and decide. I teach this in my book Emotional Confidence but I wanted to share it through the lens of gratitude today.
The first step, acknowledge, is when we look at an emotion and ask ourselves “Why does it make sense that I feel this way?” We are not judging the emotion, we are just sharing the reality of our feelings. We want to lean into God’s compassion and say “Lord, I know that You have walked through difficult things and fully understand what it’s like to face challenging emotions and not feel the way You might want to. Because of that, I know You understand what I am going through and want to help me navigate this and come out stronger on the other side.” So in regards to gratitude, if we feel as if we want to be grateful but we are not there yet, ask yourself “Why does it make sense that I do not feel gratitude right now?” Maybe there is a situation going on at your workplace, maybe there is a really heavy health situation that you and your family are walking through, or maybe there are problems in your marriage. There are so many things that could have an impact on how we are feeling and it is important to acknowledge it and not try to force ourselves into gratitude.
The second step is to discern and in this step, we are saying “It is true that ___ and it is not true that ___” (fill in the blanks). This step is crucial in uncovering honest gratitude because it helps us discern what is true and what is not. Sometimes, we spiral into believing that a situation will never change or assume we already know the outcome. Often, we project fears from past experiences onto the present, triggering emotions that cloud our perspective. At this moment, we pause and say, “Lord, thank You for helping me acknowledge what I’m feeling and experiencing. Now, please show me what is true about this situation. Help me align my thoughts with Your Word and see the truths I need to hold onto.” This is also a time for self-reflection and here are some questions you can ask yourself to receive God’s guidance
– Am I taking on parts of this situation that are not mine to carry?
– Are there things I need to release, surrender, or let go of?
– Is there something I need to own or confess?
– What part of this keeps me from being grateful?
This is where we ask the Holy Spirit for clarity, trusting in His faithfulness and goodness. His Word, as described in the Bible, is as sharp as a double-edged sword – it cuts through what feels like truth but may not be. Not every feeling we experience is truth, every emotion must come under the authority of God’s Word. The Holy Spirit helps us discern how to process these feelings and tells us what we need to keep, what we need to release, and where we should focus our attention moving forward.
The final step is to decide. After acknowledging your feelings and discerning the truth of the situation saying: “Lord, it makes sense why I am struggling to be grateful right now. Here is the truth about what I am facing. What do You want me to do with this?” This step is where we ask, “God, what is my next best step to help me move toward gratitude and Thanksgiving to realign my heart with where I need to be? We are not just stepping into gratitude because it is the season, we want to be in unison with who God is and how He sees the situation. Because God is not in heaven stressed out or overwhelmed by the situations of the world. He is 100% in control and we want to help ourselves return to that truth when the troubles of this world get us off kilter. In this step, we are asking God these questions:
– What mindsets do I need to adopt?
– What do I need to let go of?
– What is my next best step?
Then the last part of that is figuring out where you should “emotionally dwell” as a result of this. In this scenario, we want to emotionally dwell in gratitude but is there something that needs to help us get to gratitude? Do you need to have expectation with it? Such as being expectant of what God will do, learning to stand in awe of who He is, and remembering His character. Reflecting again on Psalm 136:1, which says, “Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His faithful love endures forever,” can guide us. Thinking about other aspects of God’s character can help us rest in honest gratitude. This part of using ADD allows us to refocus our hearts on honest gratitude, which can bring so much joy and light to our situation. You know how powerful gratitude feels – it is a restful, freeing place. When we are truly grateful, we release the need for control or specific outcomes and align our hearts with the Holy Spirit.
[17:17] The Power of Thanking God in Advance
If you are thinking “I still need to know how to pray from a grateful spirit – even through these challenging situations” then this tool is going to help. When I notice that I am beginning to complain through prayer (we have all been there) I like to start thanking God in advance. It is not that God does not want to hear our frustrations, but we can develop this pattern of bringing our laundry list to Him and He wants us to refocus. My dear friend Carlie Kercheval taught me the concept of thanking God in advance and it does change how we approach a situation.
We can use this after we’ve made sure that we have addressed what we are feeling – not ignoring it or stuffing it down. Then we say to God, “I am thanking you in advance because I know you are good. I know that even if this is hard, I know that suffering is part of this life. I am not going to be surprised by it and you use it for my good. You use it for your light to get out into this world. It is not about me being tortured. It is not about the things that we sometimes tell ourselves. I thank you, God, in advance that you are going to bring beauty from this and that you are going to change this situation. I thank you that nothing is permanent in your kingdom, except for our salvation and everything that you have outlined the difficulties that we are facing, you can switch them and turn them around in a second.” We can start to shift and thank Him for His character and how who He is can change our situation, change our ability to look at it and change the way we approach the difficulties we are facing with Thanksgiving.
[20:02] Do You Want to Learn More About Handling Your Emotions? If So, Make Sure to Get Your Copy of Emotional Confidence Today!
I hope that those tools are extremely effective for you and if you want to learn more about managing emotions like this, make sure to get my book Emotional Confidence. This book breaks down the tool ADD in much greater detail and it also has so many free downloads that can support you along the way. One of my favorites is a template that helps you create your own ADD statement. If you have ever played Mad Libs as a kid, it is sort of like that. These statements can help us step through each part of an emotion using what is going on inside of us to tap into the Lord Himself.
You can even download the first chapter for FREE!
I hope that this information was extremely helpful and if it was, please share it with a friend to help them understand what it means to be grateful.
RESOURCES:
Tired of up-and-down feelings stealing your peace, sabotaging your relationships, and filling your mind with self-defeating thoughts? If so, make sure to get my new book, “Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture”.
Discover simple, practical ways to manage your emotions using science and Scripture.
Read the first chapter of Emotional Confidence – for free!
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