293: Learning to Name What You’re Feeling with Anjuli Paschall
Do you struggle with naming emotions? Do you wish you had a tool to help you name your feelings? In today's episode, author Anjuli Paschall joins us to share why noticing your feelings may feel challenging and ways you can start to learn more about them.

WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:
- [05:05] Our Emotions Are a Gift That Draws Us Closer to God
- [07:48] The Story Behind Anjuli’s Latest Book “Feel”
- [11:07] Why Is Noticing and Naming Our Emotions So Challenging?
- [15:23] What Are The Temptations We May Experience With Certain Emotions and How Can We Move Through These Feelings?
- [20:06] We Are Not Here to Fix Our Emotions, We Are Here to Become Vulnerable and Build Deeper Connections
- [25:44] A Liturgy For When You Feel Numb
- [31:09] Alicia’s Reflections: The Importance of Exploring the Depths of Our Emotions
[05:05] Our Emotions Are a Gift That Draws Us Closer to God
Anjuli grew up in a Christian home where emotions were not integrated into family life. Only “positive” emotions (like happiness and creativity) were encouraged while “negative” emotions (like anger or sadness) were discouraged. After 20 years of pushing these emotions under the rug, they started to come out.
In her mid-20s, Anjuli went on a three-week isolated retreat. The whole intention was to live in a cabin and process your feelings. This was terrifying but she dealt with every emotion that came up and she started to realize that these emotions were not the enemy. Emotions do not need to be pushed under the rug because they are a gift that draws us closer to God. Since then, she has been integrating and welcoming in these feelings.
[07:48] The Story Behind Anjuli’s Latest Book “Feel”
One night, Anjuli was talking with her husband about how many emotions were colliding within her. She wished there was a resource to help her name how she felt and would give her words to pray on. He encouraged her to write this book and that is where the idea came from. Her book “Feel” is a liturgy book that has 75 prayers for every feeling.
As she was going through this process, she had to dig deep, face feelings, and then tune into others' experiences if she had not felt a feeling before. She ended up having to rewrite her 50,000-word book because they wanted her to write from a first-person point of view. I believe this was a great idea because Anjuli has a strong ability to be vulnerable and to speak to the depth of an emotion, which not everybody has.
[11:07] Why Is Noticing and Naming Our Emotions So Challenging?
The gift of Anjuli’s book is that it allows us to notice, name, and put words behind what we are feeling. Many of the women I work with do not know what they are feeling beyond anger and frustration so this book is a great resource to start to get to know the deeper layers of what we feel.
Anjuli shares that it is challenging for us to name what we are feeling because many of us grew up in homes and in relationships where we were not given a vocabulary for our feelings. We may have known the most common ones but we were not given the tools to name the nuances of those exact feelings. There is power in naming them and there is also harm in mislabeling them. She relates this to our physical health. Think about when you go to a doctor and have symptoms of watery eyes, runny nose, and a scratchy throat. This could be a cold or it could be allergies – both require very different paths of healing.
We can think of our emotions this way as well. If we think about the two feelings of “confusion & being misunderstood”, there are different paths forward for each of them. So when you name what you are feeling, it is like putting on the perfect shoe that gives you the ability to step forward. If you have ever had someone mislabel your emotions, you know what that disconnection feels like. It is so important to find the feeling that fits.
Within her book, Anjuli breaks down the six core emotions (surprise, fear, anger, happiness, disgust, and sadness) and then breaks down 12 feelings for each of those emotions. As Brene Brown says, many of us are emotionally illiterate. If we do not know how to explain what is going on, it is like trying to explain something to the doctor with our hands tied behind our backs and something over our mouths – how can we expect to find healing?
[15:23] What Are The Temptations We May Experience With Certain Emotions and How Can We Move Through These Feelings?
For each feeling in this book, Anjuli gives a brief story about the temptation you may experience with a feeling. For example, there might be a temptation to be powerful and “just get through it”. There may also be a temptation to become powerless where we lose our voice and our responsibility. It is like “Well, I am anxious so I guess I will just be anxious”. We also may pretend that it does not exist and we shove it under the rug. For each emotion in the book, there are three sections: the dictionary explanation, the description of how the emotion feels physically, and then a prayer to offer to God as we acknowledge the emotion (included with a scripture to meditate on).
Anjuli hopes that as people name their emotions and recognize how they’re tempted to respond, they will be guided toward a different path – one that invites them to open their hearts to God in prayer. The end goal is not to fix, resolve, or have immediate change with an emotion, it is to experience the love of God.
[20:06] We Are Not Here to Fix Our Emotions, We Are Here to Become Vulnerable and Build Deeper Connections
Although we live in a “fix it” culture, we are not here to just fix our emotions. Instead, we are to ask ourselves “Where am I tempted to not follow God in this? Where is God in this and how can I lean on Him? How can He help guide me through this process?” This does not have to be an instant pill that we take to fix something, it just allows us to be more connected to Him.
If we move into what the real temptation is, it is a temptation to live in autonomy. We are all inclined to turn inward and these feelings become invitations to not only open up to God but to others as well. Vulnerability is where truth comes from. But if we are not careful, a lot of our actions can be geared towards being in control so we do not have to rely on anyone else. Our brains are wired to move away from uncertainty so if we can “be certain” and leave God out of it. It might seem counteractive to lean into that pain but that is where God meets us and we realize we do not have to manage all of this alone. We have to stop running from our emotions and try to have everything figured out. There are going to be empty spaces that we do not have answers for and our emotions remind us of that.
The easiest way to understand how processing our emotions helps connect us with God is to think about our human relationships. Anjuli invites you to think of the times and places where you felt most connected to someone else. She is willing to bet that it is because you experienced a shared feeling. Maybe one of you was grieving and that person was with you on the bathroom floor or you experienced disappointment and the person beside you said, “Yeah, I’ve been there too”. The greatest places of connection are through those shared feelings. This is the same with the Lord. When you are honest about the true condition of your heart, it leads to the greatest connection you could have with God. God has also experienced these feelings and the more intimate you can get with Him, the deeper the connection.
If we keep God at arm's distance, we are not going to have that connection to grow with Him. We often do not want to be vulnerable with Him but we also want that deep connection – yet we cannot have both. It is a gift to have a God who knows what we are feeling and who has experienced all of these emotions Himself. He has proven Himself trustworthy and says that He loves us no matter what. It is a win-win to go to Him with what we are feeling.
[25:44] A Liturgy For When You Feel Numb
Oftentimes, women start to feel numb and disconnected after the holidays. They are drained, overwhelmed, and exhausted. Numbness is under the emotion of anger and Anjuli shares with us a liturgy to use when you feel numb:
“God, I feel numb. I allow myself to feel what I feel, and I open my heart to you. I have slid a lid over my heart as a way to survive. This place of not feeling seems safe, and there's a part of me that intentionally puts up a stop sign when my emotions start to peek through. You see me trying to protect my heart, and you see every part of my story and what I'm going through. And even as I feel disconnected, I want to be connected to you, God. Perhaps you have something for me here, and perhaps there is a way through hard feelings that doesn't require me to close down my heart entirely. With your gentleness, help thaw out my heart a little at a time. I ask that you will slowly turn the light on in my soul. Perhaps I'm afraid of my real feelings. It's possible that I'm uncertain of how deep they actually go. That if I allow myself to feel I'm afraid I'll lose control.
Help me, God, know I don't have to protect myself or others all on my own. Help me peel back the layers of my soul and feel the safety I have in you. And help me not to depend on my ability to be strong more than I depend on you. Awaken me to your love, God, even here, Lord, may I know that this feeling of numbness is a gift from you, and I receive it in full faith, knowing that you intend good for my life. Your grace meets me here and guides me to your love. And even when I don't understand my heart, I trust that you do. I lift up my soul to you, God, I come to you and I entrust my life to you once again. Amen.”
If you get Anjuli’s book, I highly recommend reading it out loud. There is such power in each prayer.
[31:09] Alicia’s Reflections: The Importance of Exploring the Depths of Our Emotions
This conversation with Anjuli reminds us that while we all have very complicated and difficult emotions – we can bring them to God. The best part about her book is that it really can help us delineate the different aspects of what type of emotion we are feeling within a larger context of an emotion. It can also give us new discoveries into what we are feeling. It is almost like talking with a friend who you have had a shared experience with. My book Emotional Confidence and Anjuli’s book Feel are a great partnership if you want support in navigating your emotions.
I would love to help you begin to understand your emotions better. Please reach out to me on Instagram to see how I can help. Whether that is through coaching, the Emotional Confidence Club, the Christian Mindset Makeover, or just to have a conversation about where you are at – I am here to help. If you are reaching out to me about this specific episode, let me know what stood out to you. I truly do value these opportunities to have these conversations with you. Thank you for investing in yourself in these ways, the world is a better place when we can all learn how to manage what is going on inside of ourselves. This allows us to help ourselves, help each other and better connect with God.
RESOURCES:
Tired of up-and-down feelings stealing your peace, sabotaging your relationships, and filling your mind with self-defeating thoughts? If so, make sure to get my new book, “Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture”.
Want to see what Emotional Confidence is about? Download the first chapter for FREE!
Connect with author Anjuli Paschall
Book a Free 15-Minute Call to discuss the next steps on your emotional management journey.
Ready to know how to manage emotions for more calm, stronger relationships, and a closer walk with God? Want to implement the concepts discussed in my book “Emotional Confidence”? Then join the Emotional Confidence Club!
Imagine if you could use brain science and the Bible together to rewire those inner lies that keep you from believing God's truth about your identity–those limiting beliefs, perfectionistic ideals, unresolved fears, and more! Join the hundreds of women who have found renewed confidence + freedom in the Christian Mindset Makeover!
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