297: Believing in God’s Love Again After You’ve Been Hurt with Rachael Adams
How can you believe in God’s love when the wounds of the past feel overwhelming and you’re dealing with broken trust? Whether you’ve dealt with a betrayal in a relationship, hardships in life, or church hurt – you are not alone in what you’re going through. If you are having difficulty trusting God after you’ve been hurt, today’s episode with author Rachael Adams will bring some healing into your life.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:
- [05:15] Have You Been Hurt and Are Doubting God’s Love?
- [09:08] How Can We Use God’s Love to Start Over in Unthinkable Situations?
- [12:40] How Can The Idea of “Loving Fearlessly” Help Us to Move Forward When We Are Wounded?
- [17:00] What Can We Do If We Feel Unloveable and Undeserving of Receiving God’s Love?
- [21:06] I Read All of The Bible Verses and Still Don’t Feel God’s Love – What Do I Do?
- [22:56] Reflecting on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
- [25:06] Alicia’s Reflections: We Cannot Gloss Over The Difficult Moments – Be Willing to Sit in The Muck
[05:15] Have You Been Hurt and Are Doubting God’s Love?
We have all questioned and doubted God’s love for us – no matter what we have gone through. Rachael has a friend who has had so much tragedy in her life and once said to her, “I don't understand how a good God could allow all this to happen to me.” This is a hard question for all of us to wrestle with. Several years ago, Rachael bought this friend a Bible and started highlighting the times it talked about God’s love. She realized there were over 600 mentions of this term and through the process of highlighting, she was also reminded of His love.
Scripture is God’s love letter to us and just because our circumstances are not good it does not mean He is not good. So often we equate our earthly circumstances and situations as His fault – and while yes, He is sovereign – there is also sin and the natural consequences of the choices that we make. Rachael recommends to anyone who is doubting His love for them, to go to His word and start to highlight each of those times that He mentions “God’s love.”
It is really important to acknowledge that it makes sense that we are upset because of the hard things. We are often quick to try to fix it and say to others “God loves you” but instead we can show God’s love by saying “I'm so sorry, this is your situation and I'm so sorry that this is where you're at.”
Rachael shares that she struggled to love that friend well but she realizes that just by being present, spending time with her, and praying for her – she could witness God's Spirit through her and this led to her experiencing it for herself.
This requires more from us. It is easier to simply share a scripture verse but truly investing in others by listening, spending time, and walking alongside them, can speak volumes about God’s love. As Rachael looks back on her life and how she first encountered the Lord, she sees how much of a role people played. They prayed for her, invited her to church, gave her a Bible, disciplined her, and welcomed her into Bible studies. Yes, God was always pursuing her heart, but it took His people surrounding her and actively loving her to lead her closer to Christ.
[09:08] How Can We Use God’s Love to Start Over in Unthinkable Situations?
Many of us have dealt with things like childhood trauma, marital betrayal, or breaks in friendship – so how can we use God's love to start over in those sorts of situations? Rachael shares this devotion that she wrote in her book “Everyday Prayers for Love: Learning to Love God, Others, and Even Yourself”, God does not keep a record of wrongs.
She thinks back to when she was in charge of an agape night for teen girls at her church. She had them do an activity where each girl had a canvas and they drew a cross. Then they wrote down all of the ways that they had been hurt, things they wanted to ask forgiveness for, and sins they had committed or that had been committed to them. She wanted them to lay down their hurt on the cross and she was amazed at how much the girls wrote – even as middle school and high schoolers.
As she looked and walked around the room, she noticed that there was so much similarity in their hurt. We are all carrying something and it was healing for them to get it all out there. Then they took a red sharpie and started to color over everything to symbolize Jesus's blood covering all of those wounds.
This was a beautiful exercise and a powerful reminder that God has “cleansed us white as snow.” He has forgotten our sins and does not keep a record of wrongs. We are called to forgive as He has forgiven us – but that can be incredibly difficult. Rachael encourages us to consider the wounds we have carried and the ways we have been hurt. Jesus Himself was wounded – physically and emotionally. He was rejected, betrayed, spit upon, and beaten. Yet, He still chose to go to the cross, sacrificing Himself on our behalf. His example calls us to first receive His forgiveness, mercy, and grace – allowing His blood to cover our own mistakes and failings. And in His strength, we can then choose to extend that same forgiveness to those in our lives.
We have a God who does not just say, “Just believe in My love.” He is a God who came on this earth surrounded by broken humans, many of whom were His own people who put Him to death. He understands the brokenness that we feel because He has felt it Himself. He understands how hard it can be to think that love can still conquer through all of that. Jesus is relatable and that makes it easier for us to trust and move forward.
[12:40] How Can The Idea of “Loving Fearlessly” Help Us to Move Forward When We Are Wounded?
In her book, Rachael tells a story about how it is hard to put ourselves out there when we have been hurt. Whether it is in a relationship with a significant other, in a friendship group, or even in some kind of ministry where we feel rejected or that we do not belong. There is a powerful verse that can help in these circumstances which says, “God’s perfect love casts out fear.”
In Scripture, there is the story of Hagar who has been hurt so badly by the people closest to her and so she runs away into the desert. This is when God sees her because He is close to the brokenhearted. He is constantly pursuing you and sees you in your heart. He is collecting your tears in a bottle. You do not go unnoticed and unseen. So in that moment, God sees her and says “You need to go back to where you were but because you are so loved, you can be secure in that love and then go where I am calling you to go.”
For many of us, it is not easy to move forward after being hurt. Nothing is necessarily convenient or feels good. God does not promise that we are going to be in this world without trouble but He does promise that He will be with us through it. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego still had to go through the fire but God was with them. Daniel was in the lion’s den with the lions but God protected Him. Many of us are in these uncomfortable and hard situations but God is with us. He sees us, is comforting us, and can give us His peace in the midst of it.
This empowers us to take that step – to love, forgive, and move forward. God is not asking us to simply forgive, move on, or love others without first recognizing our need for healing and the deep comfort that comes from Him. He is our foundation, our source of strength. When we first receive His love and healing, we are then able to love others in the way He calls us to.
Rachael also reminds us that we can love people from a distance by praying for them, not speaking ill of them, and asking God to bless them. Just because we are loving towards others does not mean we cannot set boundaries for ourselves. You do not need to put yourself in danger by being so loving that you allow anything to happen to you. If you can reconcile, that is great, but you also have to make sure that it is a healthy situation and what is best for you too.
We are accountable to Him – our thoughts, our actions, all of it. But it is not our place to carry the weight of judgment or seek justice on our own. We need to trust God as the ultimate judge, knowing that He will bring justice in His perfect timing, whether in this life or eternity. That truth gives us confidence and peace, freeing us from the burden of trying to control what only He can.
[17:00] What Can We Do If We Feel Unlovable and Undeserving of Receiving God’s Love?
Many of us have been through things in life that have made us feel unlovable. We feel as if we have made too many mistakes, we have let God down, or that we are too broken.
Romans says, “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” God knows we are not perfect and this is why God sent His Son Jesus on our behalf. It is important to free ourselves from any pressure to earn, strive, or try to receive His validation and love. There is nothing we can do to make God love us any more and there is nothing that we can do to make God love us any less. His love for you is secure.
Rachael also shares about how we often see our most unlovable selves. We know our thoughts, mistakes, and our sins. This leads us to compare ourselves to others which makes us feel more unloveable – even though we do not know all of those things about them. The reality is that the earth is filled with unconditional love and love that has failed us. So often we just get disappointed and disillusioned because of the experiences that we have had.
Rachael was feeling unlovable after something occurred in her life and her husband left her an index card on the bathroom mirror that said, “Rachel, you are God's workmanship, and what a beautiful work he has created.” She still has this index card and creates them for women when she speaks at conferences. She reminds us that we are just seeing ourselves through the wrong person’s eyes and we need to start seeing ourselves the way that God sees us.
Someone once told me that God's love, His character, and how He treats us cannot be changed by our own opinion of it. We cannot go outside and say that the sky is purple or green when it is blue. One of my favorite verses in Ephesians 3:15-17 says “I pray that you can experience God's love, although you'll never be able to fully understand it.” We are never going to understand a God who can see us in our brokenness and still love us because we have no reference for this type of unconditional love. It seems almost too good to be true and there is a fear inside of our minds to keep us safe.
In this past year, I have been soaking in the understanding that I am loved by God. It is not something to be afraid of, and just letting this permeate how I view my day, how I view myself, and how I view everything going on with me changes everything. Paul's prayer talks about understanding the height, width, and depth of God's love. We don’t have to understand God’s love for it to completely change us.
[21:06] I Read All of The Bible Verses and Still Don’t Feel God’s Love – What Do I Do?
It is often difficult to trust in these verses because of our earthly experiences. In middle school, Rachael's first “boyfriend” gave her a red foiled heart box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day. She was so excited and when she opened it, it was empty and he said: “Sorry I ate a few.” That is an example of our experiences here on Earth. We are often looking for these sources of love when only God can fill this void in our hearts and satisfy our souls. We have to stop going to the world to give us the validation, affirmation, and love that only Christ can give.
When she started dating her husband in college, she did not have a relationship with the Lord. She was looking to her partner to complete her which was setting him up for failure. It was only when she turned to the Lord for what she had previously sought from her husband that everything changed. Not only did her relationship with God deepen but it also transformed her relationships with others. She was no longer placing expectations on people that only God could fulfill, and that brought a newfound peace and freedom to her heart
[22:56] Reflecting on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
One of the things that Rachael talks about in her book is what Biblical love is. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says, “Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, love does not boast. It is not proud and does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
If you look at each of those attributes, that is how God has loved us. Rachael encourages each of us to look at each of those attributes and start to ask ourselves, “How has God loved me in these ways?” Then say, “Because He has loved me in these ways, I am going to receive that love and then I am going to give that to the world around me.” Her hope for her book is to teach people how to tangibly love others and be God's hands and feet so that they can be drawn closer to His heart as well. She has many free resources on her website to support you on this journey.
[25:06] Alicia’s Reflections: We Cannot Gloss Over The Difficult Moments – Be Willing to Sit in The Muck
As we talked about, it can be difficult to believe in God’s love after we have been hurt by things we have experienced such as infidelity in a marriage, a breakup in a close friendship, or an unexpected death. We do not want to gloss over these painful things by saying, “Well, God loves you and He is good, and you are going to be okay.” This may be the ultimate truth but it is a long journey to get from where you are to believing that statement.
Many of us want to jump into this statement and unfortunately, this is the answer the Church is giving us too. They just share Romans 8:28 and say, “God's good, trust him, and he works all things out for our good.” Again, those scriptures are true but living out God’s love may mean to be with other people, not try to fix it or get them back on the path, but instead to sit in the muck with them.
If you are in a place where God’s promises feel distant or even hollow, can I lovingly encourage you to open your heart to Him and be willing to sit in the muck for a moment? In my book Emotional Confidence, the first step in the method I teach for managing emotions is acknowledge – and that is intentional. We must recognize and understand the depth of our pain before we can move forward. We need to see it for ourselves, to validate why we are upset, and to know that God sees it too. God does not dismiss our pain, He meets us in it.
Some of us try to jump straight to the second step, discern, which is about aligning ourselves with truth. But we cannot rush past the hurt. Healing begins when we first acknowledge what we have been through and trust that God sees and understands it just as deeply as we do.
You can explore this with a counselor, with the Lord, with a friend or pastor, or with anyone else who can help you see if there is anything that is getting in the way of your relationship with really believing in your heart that you are loved by God. This might be the time friend where you need to just sit in it and see it so that you can begin to receive God's love again.
If you want to work on this aspect of love, check out Rachael’s book “Everyday Prayers for Love: Learning to Love God, Others, and Even Yourself.” As we walk through the process of learning to love ourselves, others, and God (especially after we have been hurt) it will not be an instant transformation. Healing does not happen with the snap of a finger, it is a journey. This is why working through this in a structured way, like with a devotional, can be so powerful. Taking time each day to uncover, reflect, and heal can provide the steady foundation you need.
If you are in a place where you’re asking, What do I do with all of this now? – a tool like my book, Emotional Confidence, can help. Once you have unpacked your pain, it offers a process to help you move forward, helping you through the next steps of healing and growth. I pray that this conversation helps you recognize any areas of hurt in your heart and gives you the willingness to take even the smallest step toward healing.
Know that God is ready to walk with you, to help you understand the restoration waiting on the other side of that pain. And that healing always begins with His love.
I would love to continue to have these conversations. Please DM me on Instagram or Facebook. I also share additional information about these topics and mini devotionals that can help support you. It might also be helpful for you to be a part of the Emotional Confidence Club, where I help women use these tools that we talk about in Emotional Confidence the book, and apply them in everyday life.
RESOURCES:
Tired of up-and-down feelings stealing your peace, sabotaging your relationships, and filling your mind with self-defeating thoughts? If so, make sure to get my new book, “Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture”.
Ready to know how to manage emotions for more calm, stronger relationships, and a closer walk with God? Want to implement the concepts discussed in my book “Emotional Confidence”? Then join the Emotional Confidence Club!
Connect with author Rachael Adams
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