298: Aging with Emotional Confidence as a Christian Woman: Thoughts on My 50th Birthday
What’s your mindset around getting older as a Christian woman? Aging often impacts women’s confidence, especially in our western culture. In today’s episode (in honor of my 50th birthday!), we’re talking about uplifting ways to process your emotions and build godly confidence during this stage of life.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:
- [02:52] Are You Questioning Your Role, Body Changes, or Purpose During This Stage of Life?
- [07:42] The Importance of Refocusing Our Thoughts on The Reality of Life
- [09:58] 5 Powerful Truths to Focus on as We Grow Older
- [19:52] 5 Action Steps We Can Use to Support Us As We Navigate Aging
[02:52] Are You Questioning Your Role, Body Changes, or Purpose During This Stage of Life?
As we get older, so many questions come to mind. The first question that usually comes up is “How will I handle the changes that are happening?” There is a new book that just came out from Brooke Shields, a famous actress who started acting when she was just a teenager called “Brooke Shields Is Not Allowed to Get Old.” It encapsulates this idea of women in this age and the questions we may have as we age, such as:
-What are our general thoughts supposed to be about aging?
-What are we supposed to think about our bodies as we age?
-Should we be making changes to help our bodies not age as quickly?
We are also asking ourselves “Who am I… now?” Maybe all of these years you have had the role of being a mom, a wife, or a specific role in your career, and as life changes, all of this comes up in question. Your children may not need you as much, you have more freedom in your life, your marriage may be changing, or you might be looking at retirement. It is unnerving on so many levels that it is no wonder why there are so many people who have a midlife crisis.
We may also find ourselves asking “What is God's purpose for me in this second half of life?” It is very easy to feel invisible, irrelevant, or like the good days are behind you. We know that the first half of life seems to be about creating the foundation of family, career, and settling ourselves. Now we are wondering what the next chapter is about. I understand that not everyone follows this path but I hope you can track what I am saying here. There is a shift at this age.
The gift to me in all of this is that now I can get excited and embrace the idea of choosing what is important to me. I get to decide how I will fill my time and days to a much greater degree (within the context of what God wants me to do of course).
For example, someone recently emailed me about an opportunity, and in the past, my automatic response would have been to say yes. Five to ten years ago, I struggled with people-pleasing and would have felt uncomfortable saying no. But now, I can listen to the voice within me that says, “No, that is not a fit for me,” and I understand that this is okay. I believe that the longer we live, the more we gain clarity about what we like and what we do not.
Once we reach the point of confidently defining how we want to structure our family time, our alone time, and how much time we spend together or apart (while checking in with the Lord) it brings a deeper sense of peace. When we reach that place, it is like stepping into a fuller and more abundant life that God intended for us. We have lived long enough to truly know ourselves, to know Him, and to recognize how everything comes together. And with this, we also experience shifts in our time and priorities, allowing us to pursue things we may not have been able to before.
[07:42] The Importance of Refocusing Our Thoughts on The Reality of Life
The biggest challenge we have to address here is the mindset piece. It is incredibly easy to slip into sadness, frustration, or even despair over the changes we are experiencing. We see our bodies shifting, our kids may be moving away, or we might not feel as needed at work anymore. These shifts are real, and they inevitably shape our perspective but if we do not pay attention to them they have the power to derail us.
When we notice these things happening we need to learn how to look deeper and actively decide that we are going to refocus our thoughts. The reality is that as we grow older, these things are bound to happen.
This is a normal path of life. We are at a point in culture where it is the hardest time to not be a woman who is 20 years old and in perfect shape. It is constantly thrown in our faces with social media and television. There is not a lot of dialogue about, especially as a Christian, how to work through those feelings well – which is what I am sharing today.
[09:58] 5 Powerful Truths to Focus on as We Grow Older
Before I dive into the five truths I’m focusing on through the aging process, I want to emphasize that I wrote each of these from the perspective of “I get to.” Because truly, all of these are get-tos. They are privileges, not burdens. This stage of life offers us unique opportunities that not everyone gets to experience.
1. “I get to rejoice in the inner growth that God continues to do in my life.” 2 Corinthians 4:16 says, “Though outwardly, we are wasting away, yet inwardly, we are being renewed day by day.“ As we step into this phase of life, we begin to realize that the most exciting growth is happening on the inside. These are the beautiful treasures that have been accumulating over years of knowing Jesus, learning who He created us to be, and witnessing the journeys of our family and friends. This is the gift, seeing the evidence of God’s ongoing work in our lives and that is something we can choose to focus on.
2. “I get to be the storyteller. I get to be the truth conveyor. I get to be the person to testify to the next generation about the true character of God.” Deuteronomy 32:7 says, “Remember the days of old. Ask your father and he will tell you.” We get to be the people who know the stories of God being faithful and showing up. We have so many testimonials not just in our own lives but in other people’s lives as well. There is an entire group of people younger in the faith, whether in age or simply in their spiritual journey, who are looking to us. No matter how long we have been walking with God, we have stories to share. What a gift and privilege to be able to encourage others and point people back to the character of God
3. “I get to continually have the opportunity to do a heart check on my value of myself, my body, and of what lasts.” This keeps our hearts pure before God in what we do with our days. Isaiah 40:8 says, “The grass withers, the flowers fade, but the word of our God will stand forever.” We see the gift of time and change, which allows us to notice what we have put our foundation in. I think this is why so many people can have these midlife crises because they have been coping and just getting by on the things of this world. This can get you by for a little while but as beauty fades and money runs out, you will notice that these things no longer work for you.
The good news is that we get to truly focus on the deeper truths and not just say them, but live them. It is easy to recite, I am known by God. I am loved by God. My value is in Him. But when we see worldly things begin to fade, we have the opportunity to reorient ourselves, to reaffirm that even if we lose beauty, abilities, or the roles we once held, those were never the foundation of our lives to begin with.
The problem with midlife crises is that they build over years and years of avoiding, suppressing, or distracting from the deeper questions – until one day everything comes to a breaking point. This is our opportunity to slowly have that heart check and to work with God to age into these places and make these changes gracefully.
4. “I get to experience one of the greatest gifts of all, which is godly wisdom.” Proverbs 4:5-9 says, “Get wisdom, get understanding. Do not forget my words or turn away from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you. Love her and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this, get wisdom, though it costs all you have. Get understanding. Cherish her and she will exalt you, embrace her, and she will honor you. She will give you a garland to grace your head and present you with a glorious crown.” We will never get to the depth of understanding all of the Lord's wisdom (until we are fully reunited with Him in Heaven) but it is so amazing to grow in wisdom every day. The longer we walk with the Lord, the more we see His truth reigning supreme – in creation, in our lives, and in everything around us. The more we choose to obey and seek His wisdom, the deeper it takes root in our hearts. This brings such incredible peace and freedom.
5. “I get to see God using me in exciting new seasons for different purposes.” There are several verses here that encourage this thought like Isaiah 46:4 and Psalm 92:12-14 which says, how the righteous flourish like a palm tree and how we are still able to bear fruit in an old age, still stay fresh and green. This is the gift of walking with God, He is able to keep us fresh and green to do His work. Do you remember that story of Joseph and Mary going to the temple to bring Baby Jesus to be dedicated? They take him to the temple and when they are coming out they are confronted by two older people, Simeon and Anna.
Luke 2:36-38 talks about how Anna was very old, lived with her husband seven years after her marriage, and then became a widow until she was 84. According to the Word of God, it says, “She never left the temple, but she worshiped night and day, fasting and praying. She came up to them at that very moment, she gave thanks to God and spoke about the child to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem.” This woman devoted her life to the Lord and she had the gift and privilege at the end of her life to give hope to people that this child was going to bring redemption to Jerusalem.
With all these changes happening, we have to ask ourselves: Are we learning to notice what we are feeling? Are we developing the habit of emotionally tuning in – recognizing our reactions to triggers, and paying attention to what is happening inside of us? When we do, we can experience change with greater grace.
Change will inevitably show up in our marriages, our roles as parents, our jobs, and even our physical bodies and abilities. But the good news is, when we are aware of what is happening and when we ask God for guidance and choose to work through these shifts, then it can be these graceful adaptations that make it a lot easier.
There are moments in life that change everything in an instant – like the story of Anna we just shared, who became a widow after only seven years of marriage. Or my friend Lisa Appelo, who has been on the podcast before, suddenly losing her husband at a young age. Some life circumstances shake us to the core, ones we cannot truly prepare for or mentally work through in advance.
But beyond those big life-altering events, there are also the ongoing, quieter shifts that subtly reshape our sense of self. Who am I now? What is my value? Am I becoming invisible? What does God want for me? How do I want to show up? When we start paying attention to these questions it can be a more graceful transition.
[19:52] 5 Action Steps We Can Use to Support Us As We Navigate Aging
Those are the truths that I am choosing to focus on as I step into the second half of life and these are the action steps that I am placing great value in.
1. Staying sensitive to the changes that are happening inside. Be real with God about what you are seeing and experiencing, especially noticing the self-talk that comes up. If you notice things like “I am not good enough, I am not in my prime, God cannot fix this in my life, I am too old for this” then acknowledge and grieve these statements but do not judge yourself. It can be very sad to see our kids go off to college or move away from us, to have our husband leave us when we were not expecting it, or any other midlife shifts that were not on the radar. There are still things that are happening that we need to embrace and work through. We need to expect there to be changes and not be surprised by them. Notice what is inside and stay sensitive to them.
2. Be willing to work through what comes up. It is one thing to be able to notice what we are feeling, but then it is another thing to do something about it. We cannot keep pushing it down which is why it is important to have tools like the ADD model that we talk about in my book Emotional Confidence. We need something that is going to help us talk through the emotion in a way that honors it but also keeps it in check with the Word of God and invites Him into the situation.
Another huge thing for me that has been great in working through these changes is paying attention to who I am hanging out with and the friends that are surrounding me. One of the greatest gifts in this season for me has been our church life group. This group is amazing and we are all parents of young adults. We meet every week where we laugh, cry, and share the reality of what it is like to walk through this. This has given me the courage to see and work through what has been coming up for me because other people are going through this. They have shared great advice and have brought what I am working through to the Lord.
Be willing to work through what is coming up by getting the tools you need and create a community of people around you who are also thinking “I want to live and work through this season well and with excellence. I want to love my children well, release them, and have them be who God made them to be. I want to honor God in this season. I do not want to get caught up in external fixes and changes to my body.” We have to come to our own conclusions around these mindsets but once you surround yourself with like-minded people who support you, then you can thrive.
3. Take care of yourself, physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. We may have been able to get by on fumes earlier in life but if you are in the second half of life, those things are not going to work anymore. I used to be mad about this and I would ask God “Why are you taking this away? I could get so much more done”. He has taught me a different perspective on it. I am still working through it but He is helping me get there. This is an opportunity to slow down, nurture myself, and get some downtime. It is a gift to have this extra time for more sleep and treasure the things in life that are important. Is it really that important to be running all over the place and doing all these things because we have more energy when we are younger? What is life really about? Our capacity is limited as we get older so we can focus our energy on what is important.
4. Be excited and expectant about what is ahead. Two to three years ago I was having daily panic attacks about my children getting older. I could not even think about them in their younger years. I think it was a combination of these changes in me, seeing them become teens, and having them move out of the house and start their own lives. I kept feeling like “Did I do enough to help them in this phase?” I so desperately wanted to make sure that what I did was right because as we see our kids make certain choices, we ask ourselves “Is this my fault?” And for me, because I kept pushing my emotions down, it became a huge issue that included panic attacks.
By God's grace, He has slowly helped me to get beyond that and I have had to do a lot of work with him to get there. It has not been a straight path and there is no formula to get there but I have noticed that in the past six months to a year, I can start to look back at those memories of when my kids were younger and say “That was a good time.” For so long, I was conditioned to believe that the younger years were the best years of motherhood – the ones you had to cherish because once they were gone, you would never get them back. Everyone emphasizes how cute and sweet kids are when they are little, and I internalized that message.
So when my kids started getting older, I had this lingering feeling that I already experienced the best parts of motherhood. But as I worked through that mindset, I felt a new sense of excitement. My kids are amazing, not just because they are my kids but because they are great people. Looking at where we are now, I see that this connection did not just happen, it is the result of working through things together. Sure, there may still be bumps in the road ahead, but I feel this expectancy and excitement because I can see what God has done and is doing in our lives.
There is so much to look forward to like marriages, grandparenting, traveling to visit them, watching them flourish in their careers. These are gifts and for a long time, I could not fully see them because I was so caught up in the belief that being a young mom was the best part of motherhood.
5. Focus on legacy, not loss. I am treasuring the gift of a longer life. I know 50 is not that long of a life but it is longer than someone who died when they were 49 or 40. I had my near-death experience at 42 so I feel like everything after that is a bonus. God said this was my second chance at life and the last 8 years have been incredible. I cannot wait for my 50s and 60s, because I feel like every year, and definitely every decade, I become more free in being who I know God has called me to be. I get loosened up from the mindsets and baggage that had bogged me down for so long. Being able to live freer and experience Jesus in the midst of it is a gift. Getting older is a gift that not everyone can experience.
These are some of the things that I am focusing on in this season of life and if you are in this season, I would love to hear from you. Did one of these things really stand out to you? Is there something else coming to mind? Please DM me on Instagram or Facebook so we can talk about these topics!
RESOURCES:
Tired of up-and-down feelings stealing your peace, sabotaging your relationships, and filling your mind with self-defeating thoughts? If so, make sure to get my new book, “Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture”.
Want to restore your soul in beautiful Tuscany? Join us for an unforgettable 10 days of rejuvenation, exploration, and fun in Italy!
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