299: Emotions in Marriage: When Should You Share (and When Should You Not)?
We all desire emotional intimacy but should we share all of our emotions in marriage? Today we are exploring why emotional regulation and seeking God’s wisdom before we go to our partners with our emotions can strengthen our relationships. If you want to improve your mindset in marriage and create deeper connections, join me today!
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:
[00:39] Emotions Are Healthy But They Do Not Have to Guide Our Future
[04:19] Feeling a Big Emotion? Take It to God First
[09:19] Do You Place Unrealistic Expectations on Your Partner?
[12:09] 2 Questions to Ask Yourself While Processing Your Emotions with the Lord
[16:08] Bringing Your Emotions to God First Strengthens Your Relationship with Him and Your Marriage
[00:39] Emotions Are Healthy But They Do Not Have to Guide Our Future
My husband and I are about to celebrate 24 years of marriage and this is a topic I wish that someone would have sat me down and spoken to me about before we got married. One of the biggest ways that I have grown emotionally in marriage is that I have learned the very fine art of knowing when to share my emotions with my husband and when to keep my emotions between me and God. I am not saying you have to hide or be secretive about your emotions, I do believe in 100% transparency in marriage and sharing things as a couple. However, I am talking about learning to discern when it is helpful to take these emotions to God instead.
In the book Emotional Confidence, I teach that emotions can be wonderful ways for us to connect and grow our relationship with God. Emotions are these healthy, check engine lights for our souls. We do not have to hold our emotions back, but we also do not have to let them guide our future. But once we identify that these emotions are real, it is very easy for them to spew out everywhere – especially if they involve someone else. We start blaming and attaching responsibility for what we are feeling to someone else. Keeping in mind that sometimes these emotions ARE a result of someone else’s careless words, poor actions, or toxic behavior. In episode “296: Are You In an Emotionally Toxic Friendship?”, I talk about several signs of over-dependence in a relationship of toxicity because we do need to be aware of those things too.
Aside from this, I have found in marriage that feelings such as loneliness, emptiness, and sadness have to do with my own self-worth and not my marriage. These are emotions that I need to bring to the Lord and work with Him on. Many times, sharing in the heat of the moment, when emotions distort the truth, can cause more harm than good in my relationship. This is why I am sharing my tried and true way of working through emotions in marriage. It is not complicated but it is extremely helpful.
[04:19] Feeling a Big Emotion? Take It to God First
I would highly encourage you to go to God first with your emotions. The biggest benefit of bringing our emotions to Him first is clarity because He can help us discern the root cause of what we are feeling. He prevents us from putting unnecessary blame on others and attaching past wounds to a current situation, which brings peace and allows us to receive His wisdom before responding. If we do bring these feelings up with our spouse, we can go into that conversation with a reconciled attitude before God, instead of an overly emotional state that blames the other. Our emotions are powerful tools, but they have to be filtered through God's truth before we share them with others.
Here is an example of an ongoing situation in my marriage. My husband is a quiet deep thinker who loves his alone time. I am someone who enjoys spontaneity, more interaction with people, and going out. Over the years, I have had to learn that if I suggest an activity and he says that he does not want to participate, it is not a personal attack on me. It does not mean that he doesn’t want to spend time with me or that he dislikes the activity, he just does not feel like participating. For the longest time, I was taking this personally and saying “He doesn’t like me, he doesn’t want to spend time with me”, but it is not about me.
Because of his quiet nature, he also does not have a lot to say. He is that guy in our Bible study who does not have a comment on everything but when he does make a comment, it is profound. On the other hand, I am a verbal person who shares everything I am feeling. So when I am expressing things and he does not give it back to me, I can easily personalize it and make it about me. Again, I can start adding all of these untrue things to it (which I did at the beginning of our marriage) but thankfully we have found things that work for us.
I have learned to ask the simple question “Is this a quiet day for you?” He will usually say yes and that gives him the ability to let me know that he needs some space and it has nothing to do with me. In the past, there had been other relationships in my life where when people were quiet, it meant they were punishing me. They wanted to express, without expressing it, that they were unhappy with me. Naturally, if I do not have feedback from someone, this is where my brain instantly goes. This is a me issue, not a marriage issue, so having that question has made such a difference in these ongoing issues that we face in marriage.
[09:19] Do You Place Unrealistic Expectations on Your Partner?
Another emotional trap we can fall into is placing unrealistic expectations on our spouses. We expect them to fill an emotional need that only God or someone else in ours lives can fill. I have struggled with this, expecting my spouse to meet all of my emotional needs. In our culture, we have all grown up with this idea of a man being our knight in shining armor and if he doesn’t then we need to go find someone else. Of course, there is romance and a core need for being loved, valuable, and significant – but our emotional needs need to be met by God first. If we expect our spouse (even in ways we do not realize) to meet these needs, there is going to be an imbalance.
Sometimes friends can meet needs that our spouse cannot. I have friends who enjoy painting, drawing, cooking, and going on long walks on the beach. These are things my husband does not like so it helps to have friends that enjoy those things. I have learned to call up a girlfriend or take my kids for a walk on the beach. We do not have to participate in every single thing with our partners. This is the expectation I had at the beginning of my marriage and it was a recipe for disaster. By processing our emotions with God, we can discern whether the issue is truly about our spouse or if it stems from a deeper need, one that may be met elsewhere or fulfilled by the Lord Himself.
[12:09] 2 Questions to Ask Yourself While Processing Your Emotions with the Lord
There are two questions we can ask ourselves when processing emotions in marriage:
1. Is this emotion rooted in past wounds or is it directly related to my spouse?
2. Will sharing this emotion bring connection and understanding or unnecessary tension?
If you have been married a long time, you know that there are small annoying things that you could bring up, but it is just who this person is. For example, we live close to the ocean in Southern California so we do not turn on our air conditioning very often because of the nice breeze. My husband is way more sensitive to that and likes to turn the air conditioning on more than I do. There are days when I think to myself “It is not that hot in here, why is the air on?” There was also a phase in our marriage where he would turn the air on, and I would turn it off because it was cold, and he would turn it back on because it was hot. We all have these little things that annoy us but now when summer comes, I tell myself, “Don’t make a big deal, if he wants the air on, just let him put it on.”
I also know that there are things about me that he does not bring up anymore because it is just how I am. For example, I start talking about things as soon as I wake up and get very excited for the day. He is not a morning person and does not want to engage in conversation that early. So again, he has to have patience with me and I have to remind myself to tone it down a little in the morning.
This aligns with the verse that says, “Make allowance for each other’s faults” (Eph 4:2). It is about giving space for imperfection and recognizing that our spouse’s may go through difficult seasons. I used to focus on fairness, feeling the need to make sure my husband knew when something bothered me. While awareness in relationships is important, God has shown me to bring my emotions to Him first. He will guide me on whether to address it or trust that He is taking care of it.
[16:08] Bringing Your Emotions to God First Strengthens Your Relationship with Him and Your Marriage
Taking our emotions to God first is not only going to deepen our relationship with Him, but it is also going to strengthen our marriage. Another verse in Song of Solomon says “Keep out the little foxes that are coming in to steal the grapes from the vineyard.” There are all these little opportunities for those foxes to come in and steal our marriages so we have to be vigilant and aware of what those things are. This does not mean ignoring significant issues. We must seek God’s wisdom to discern whether a concern is a pattern that needs to be addressed or something to bring to Him in prayer. If it is a real issue, God may guide us to address it differently, at a better time, or continue processing it with Him first. He knows how to help us navigate emotions and respond with wisdom rather than impulse.
We must give each other grace instead of turning conflicts into a blame game. Allowing our partners to be emotionally imperfect creates empathy because we all have bad days and sometimes need space. Again, for a long time I believed my spouse needed to know everything I was feeling and treat me exactly as I thought I should be treated. If anything felt unfair, I wanted to address it immediately. But God has shown me that I am an imperfect person in a marriage with an imperfect man, one who is doing his best to love me and our family. Sometimes, I need to give him space or let God handle it instead of forcing the issue.
The enemy seeks to steal, kill, and destroy what matters most – our relationships with God and our loved ones. Emotions are natural and important to express, but if how we process them is causing harm, we need a different approach. One of the best ways to start is by bringing them to the Lord first, allowing Him to guide us before deciding how to respond.
Have you noticed that when you bring your emotions to the Lord first it is better for your relationships? Do you have a specific question about what it means to bring it to the Lord? Is there an ongoing issue that is draining you?
Let’s talk about this – you can DM me on Instagram or Facebook or you can comment on any of the posts we have there. If this was helpful, please share it with a friend that needs to hear this and get ready for next week as we talk about how we can address issues with our spouse if we need to!
RESOURCES:
Tired of up-and-down feelings stealing your peace, sabotaging your relationships, and filling your mind with self-defeating thoughts? If so, make sure to get my new book, “Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture”.
RELATED EPISODES:
