300: Healthy Ways to Share Emotions in Marriage Using the A.D.D. Method
Are you looking for a tool to help you with expressing emotions in marriage? Last week we discussed why it is important to bring our emotions to God first, but what happens when we need to express our emotions in marriage? Join me today as I share how we can use the ADD method to build emotional confidence in our relationships.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:
- [00:39] The Importance of Working Through Our Emotions with God First
- [02:51] 5 Ground Rules For Processing Emotions in Relationships
- [11:05] Why Is It Important to Use Calming Techniques Before and After Intense Conversations?
- [12:48] The First Step in Using the ADD Method For Emotions in Marriage – Acknowledge
- [16:30] The Second Step in Using the ADD Method For Emotions in Marriage – Discern
- [20:24] The Third Step in Using the ADD Method For Emotions in Marriage – Decide
- [26:00] Want to Learn Additional Tools to Help You In Marriage? Stay Tuned for Upcoming Episodes!
[00:39] The Importance of Working Through Our Emotions with God First
In episode 299: Emotions in Marriage: When Should You Share (and When Should You Not)? we posed the question: “When is it good for us to share our emotions in marriage and when is it time to keep it between us as God?” And through this episode we learned that yes, there is a time to keep it between us and God but there may also be times where we need to bring something up to a spouse.
This is where the ADD method comes in. It can help us honor what we are feeling, honor what the other person is feeling, and honor Jesus too. Having God’s perspective before we come to our partners with these emotions changes how we show up. We can show up with less of an emotionally laden perspective on it and more of a truth-filled perspective. We can look at things more objectively and make space for the other person to be heard, which leads to a more helpful interaction.
[02:51] 5 Ground Rules For Processing Emotions in Relationships
Included with a purchase of my book Emotional Confidence, there is a download called “10 Ground Rules for Processing Emotions in Relationships”. These are ground rules that you can agree on with someone you are close with before you have intense discussions. This makes things a lot more simple and today I am going to be sharing 5 of them.
1. We can choose a time where tensions are low and distractions are minimal. If we are already emotionally triggered or dealing with other stressors, adding more emotions to the mix can make things harder. It sounds obvious, but in the heat of the moment, it is easy to forget. I tend to want to address things immediately, while my husband needs time to process. When I push too soon, it does not go as well as when I respect his need for space. Setting and honoring these ground rules together helps create a healthier way to navigate these discussions.
2. We need to recognize that we are responsible for our emotional responses despite how the other person is acting. If the other person starts becoming frustrated, it does not give us license to be equally upset and hysterical. We are still responsible for coming in and maintaining the peace as much as we can in the middle of a conversation (this does not apply to abuse.) If it feels hard to maintain this, then part of that responsibility is to say, “Okay, I hear what you are saying and I feel like it would be best if we could have a breather. Let’s take 30 minutes, come back, and talk about it then. I want to make sure we can stay focused on what is happening here and not let the emotions derail us.”
3. We are not responsible for how others receive our words. Think of a radio tower broadcasting out a signal, if the receiver is somehow damaged or if they cannot receive it correctly, then the message is going to be distorted. This is true in our communication, one person may mean something and the other person took on a different meaning because of their filter on the world, emotional triggers, or even just what kind of day they are having. Yes, we have to take responsibility for how we say those words, but we are not responsible for how someone else receives those words. That can bring lightness and vulnerability into the conversation because then we understand that it is not about it. This allows us to be as loving, kind, and respectful as possible and it is up to the other person to own how he or she responds.
4. We pay attention to our unique emotional cues to gauge the tension. When my husband is shutting down, I can recognize different body language. This allows me to say things like “It seems like you are shutting down around this, do you need to step away for a second?” Or “are you comfortable talking about that?” We pay attention to the other person and how they are responding while checking in with ourselves to see how we are feeling. If we can learn these things, it becomes a lot easier to ask ourselves and each other if we need a break before it escalates.
5. We have the right to end a conversation at any time if it turns abusive or degrading. This is crucial because some discussions can quickly become destructive rather than productive. There are different levels of response depending on the situation. The first step might be taking a short break to cool down. If the tension continues, involving a neutral third party, such as a pastor, counselor, or mental health professional, could help. In cases of true abuse, the next step may be removing yourself from the situation or even contacting authorities.
Those are the five rules we can start with, keeping them in mind as we use the ADD method to navigate emotions, both within ourselves and in the conversation. The goal is to handle emotions in a way that honors God, the other person’s feelings, and our own. It is one thing to process emotions with just you and God, but when another person, their feelings, and their triggers enter the mix, it becomes more complex. That is why communication is such a huge topic in marriage. It is a skill we are all constantly learning and refining since we are all imperfect humans.
[11:05] Why Is It Important to Use Calming Techniques Before and After Intense Conversations?
When using the ADD method, it is so important to stay in touch with the Holy Spirit. Taking time to listen, breathe, and even offering to come back at another time if you cannot find calm. Listening and pausing before you speak and letting the calm come in is key. In one of the chapters of Emotional Confidence, I share 18 calming tools that we can use to manage our emotions. These tools help us move from the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) to the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest) so that our emotions are not the one driving the bus. If you feel triggered, doing some of those calming techniques to get you in that place of being able to speak through this, either before the conversation or after, is extremely helpful.
[12:48] The First Step in Using the ADD Method For Emotions in Marriage – Acknowledge
So how can we use ADD to share our emotions in marriage? The first step in the ADD method is acknowledge. This is where we notice and recognize the emotions that are present. We can start by mentioning the situation, the trigger, the issue, sharing what you discovered after going to God about it, your feelings about it, and some things that God had said as next steps around the situation. You are saying “Here is what I was feeling, here is the truth of what God revealed to me, and here is what God shared with me about an action step.”
Then, you make space for your spouse to not only receive, acknowledge, and reflect back to you what you had said but also to acknowledge what they are feeling about that situation and any reactions they had to that situation, trigger, or issue. They may or may not have had time to go to the Lord about it, so giving them space to process is important.
The acknowledge step is all about creating a safe space for emotions to be shared without analysis, judgment, or shutting down. Whether we are processing alone with God or with our spouse, this is not the time to debate or dismiss feelings. Instead, we focus on seeing and validating them while offering empathy and compassion. Simple responses like, “I hear you saying that you feel X,” help reflect back what the other person is experiencing. This step is important because we know that to move forward, we have to know that those feelings are seen, validated, and recognized.
[16:30] The Second Step in Using the ADD Method For Emotions in Marriage
In this next step (discern), we are identifying what is true and what is not true with these questions:
– What truth needs to be recognized?
– What truth needs to be admitted or shown to be real?
– What lies can be identified?
– What are the things that are being falsely attached to other things that do not need to be attached?
– What are the fears projecting into the future without God or unresolved issues from the past clouding what is true in this situation?
It is also important to recognize that even if you see a statement as not true, your spouse may feel that it is true. For example, your spouse may say “You always shut me down and never let me express what I am feeling,” and you think “I do not do that, I try to get you to talk to me.” The fact is that your spouse feels like they are being shut out. This may mean that you have to make an extra effort to help that person feel heard and apologize for that feeling being present. This is the truth to them in their minds, and this is where it gets tricky. It is an opportunity for us to work through those things so that we can see the “truth”.
Then, if it feels safe and appropriate, we can explore how other situations may be connected to the current issue. It is important to continue to use empathy and reflective statements like, “I can understand why you feel X based on what you shared,” or “I’ve felt that way too.” Keeping empathy and validation at the center of the conversation ensures that emotions are acknowledged rather than dismissed. Processing emotions together should be an ongoing, open dialogue, not something that gets shut down or pushed aside.
If you are both Christ followers, sharing encouraging or helpful biblical truths can help, too. This is not to criticize, condemn, or be disrespectful. It is to help discern what is true and not true while getting the Holy Spirit's permission to do that. Those are some ideas and thoughts about finding the truth, finding the lies surrounding what is here, and trying to sort through the emotion that may be clouding up some of the statements inside the other person's head.
[20:24] The Third Step in Using the ADD Method For Emotions in Marriage – Decide
The last step, decide, is the step where we prayerfully consider how the situation can be reconciled. We can ask these questions:
– What do both parties need to feel released from these difficult emotions?
– What reassurances need to happen?
– What things need to be confessed or shared?
– What are the things that need to happen for there to be resolution?
– How might each spouse be able to help the other find that emotional healing?
We are often the ones who hold the key to help our spouse get past some of these hurdles. This is not to say that they are not responsible for their feelings, but we know it would go a long way if we said a certain thing. The frustrating part of any relationship is that we often long for someone to say sorry, I did not mean to do that, or please forgive me. But we may never get this from the other person. It is up to us to say, “Hey, it would be helpful if I knew that you were repentant about this” but we cannot demand it. Again, this is tricky stuff but I hope that these guidelines help.
The last question to ask is “Is there further action beyond this conversation that is required for resolution?” For example, is this a pattern? Do you find that you are fighting about this issue a lot? Is this issue rooted in childhood trauma or from a break in trust? Is this a check engine light, and other issues need to be worked out? If this is the case, I would encourage you to work with a mental health professional, a counselor, or a Pastor.
If you feel like you do not know who to reach out to, I have a link to an online counseling service called BetterHelp that can support you. Many people who I have recommended it to have found it great, and they usually accept insurance. Although this is an affiliate link, I choose to work with BetterHelp because they offer the ability for me to give people next steps if they are dealing with a trauma or need a counselor.
Lastly, you need to determine where you will emotionally dwell after this interaction. This is a crucial part of the process because you and I know that we have had many conversations with a spouse where you are sharing our feelings and at the end we think “I don’t know if this is going to be any different.” This can be true because we are not sure what is going to happen, but it is important to decide what we will choose to believe about our spouse and this situation. If there is this residual doubt, there might be something more to dig into.
Is this something that is going to dissipate? Is that something that we can give them grace to grow into? We need to consider all of these things because we do not want there to be bitterness and division building up in the marriage. For example, if trust was broken, you might have to emotionally dwell in a place with more boundaries. Or you may just need to give that person more space as they are working on this. Every situation is different, but it is important to determine.
[26:00] Want to Learn Additional Tools to Help You In Marriage? Stay Tuned for Upcoming Episodes!
I hope this gave you some structure and tools to start using in your marriage. I know this was general information, but if you want to talk about your specific situation, DM me on Instagram or Facebook, or you can comment on any of the posts we have there. I would love to hear if you agree, disagree, or have any other comments!
This month is all about marriage and navigating the emotions that come with relationships. We will be exploring different tools to work through these feelings with the help of some incredible guests. One couple will share their powerful story of infidelity – how mental triggers influenced their choices and how shifting their mindset helped them heal. We will also hear from a coach who specializes in helping men process their emotions and gain insight into how they experience feelings. Then we are going to have a conversation with a dear friend and seasoned counselor with 40 years of experience around father wounds and how they impact marriage dynamics. It is going to be an amazing month filled with deep, meaningful conversations – you will not want to miss them!
RESOURCES:
Tired of up-and-down feelings stealing your peace, sabotaging your relationships, and filling your mind with self-defeating thoughts? If so, make sure to get my new book, “Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture”.
How Emotionally Confident Are You? This 2-Minute Quiz Will Reveal Your Biggest Challenges in Managing Emotions (plus 3 Action Steps to Find More Calm and Peace Based on Your Persona!)
RELATED EPISODES:
299: Emotions in Marriage: When Should You Share (and When Should You Not)?
