303: Navigating Emotional Triggers in Marriage Rooted in Father Wounds with Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield
Are father wounds unknowingly impacting your emotions in marriage? Sometimes, we do not realize where our emotional triggers in marriage come from, and today, we are shining the light on them. Join us as counselor Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield discusses how we can heal from father wounds and build emotional confidence along the way.
This episode discusses some heavier topics, so please take care of yourself and reach out for support or sit with the Lord if you feel triggered and extra tender after listening.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:
- [04:23] What Are Father Wounds?
- [07:20] How to Know if a Struggle is Rooted in a Father Wound
- [12:01] “The Father Wound Has a Strong Origin in Satan Himself”
- [15:40] How Can We Break The Generational Cycle of Trauma?
- [21:37] What Are The Signs of Father Wounds in Marriage and Parenting?
- [24:43] The Importance of Addressing These Wounds
- [27:29] Using The “HEAL” Acronym to Work Through Bitterness and Anger Towards Our Fathers
- [34:48] Alicia’s Reflections: If This Was Triggering For You, Take Some Time to Take Care of Yourself Today and Reach Out For Additional Support if Needed
[04:23] What Are Father Wounds?
Father wounds come in two different tracks; think of them as two sides of the same coin, Michelle shares. There are father wounds and father voids. A father wound is something that a father does, whether that be a sexual, physical, spiritual, emotional, or psychological injury. Anything that you can see that has happened. A father void, on the other hand, are the absences, the things that did not happen – such as the missed appointments, the broken promises, the neglect, and the lack of attachment or connection.
Some authors talk about this as “father vacuums” which means you feel like your father “sucked something out of you” whether that be your innocence, trust, or anything else. Another way to talk about father and mother wounds is through A and B trauma. “B” traumas are the “bad” things, such as your father yelling at you. “A” trauma is the absence of good things. What Michelle’s mentor used to tell her is that “A” trauma’s are oftentimes harder to address because you cannot name or see them, but they are imprinted on the inside of us and shape us very significantly.
It takes a lot of courage to address what your father did to you, and it takes a lot more wisdom and insight from God about the things that did not happen but should have. Growing up, we do not know how things are. We are just living the reality we have been given, and it is normal to us. It takes a lot of realization later on to notice something different, which comes with difficult moments when you realize they did not do that well.
[07:20] How to Know if a Struggle is Rooted in a Father Wound
Michelle shares that none of us can go through life and not have a father wound and a mother wound. We are human, and we care for each other, unintentionally and intentionally. We always say that the ground is level at the foot of the cross. We are all “wounders” and are all in need of healing for wounds. As a starting point, she encourages us to ask ourselves, “What are my father wounds and what are my mother wounds?” This is not to judge or blame, but we can get stuck in these wounds if we have not actually looked at them. This is where ADD (acknowledge, discern, decide) can really support us.
Michelle shares that she has been a clinician for almost 30 years, has been mentoring and counseling women for 45 years, and has been coaching dads of daughters, leading groups, and podcasting for 15 years. Through all of her insight, she encourages us to ask ourselves this question: “When something happens on a scale from 0-10, what number have you hit on the inside?” We call that “subjective units of distress”.
If you hit an 8,9, or 10 – it is always your own stuff, and the current issue just flipped the switch. Think of it as a wall that has a light switch; the wiring behind the wall was installed long before that current moment. So, if you notice that you have a big reaction, you need to trace that wire back to the origin. We cannot do this without Jesus, God the Father, and the Holy Spirit, giving us insight into where there is a connection. With her clients, Michelle finds that it is usually a father or mother wound that makes the impact. As the book The Body Keeps the Score, explains, we hold trauma in our bodies. Even experimentally, we know that sometimes we get sick to our stomachs or get a headache when we have a reaction.
In John 8, Jesus called Satan “the father of lies”. He is a counterfeit father who is speaking lies, and we all have lies that stick to the wounds. Just like if we have an injury on our arm, our sweater will stick to it, unless we put a band-aid on. If there is a wound, something sticks. This is not about condemning ourselves, but if we can go back to that injury, reveal the lie that got stuck to the wound, and ask Jesus to tell us the truth that He knows – that is where the conviction side of the Holy Spirit contrasts and combats the condemnation of the enemy. Satan is the father of lies, and Jesus is the Father of compassion, love, and healing.
[12:01] “The Father Wound Has a Strong Origin in Satan Himself”
Jeremiah, known as the weeping prophet, was deeply in touch with his emotions. In Jeremiah 8:21-22 (NLT), he expresses sorrow for the brokenness of the “daughters” of his people, using a feminine noun to emphasize their pain. This passage reflects God’s own heartbreak over their suffering. Jeremiah questions why there is no healing or relief, symbolized by the absence of the balm of Gilead. Michelle believes it is the heart of God saying through him that God has broken for the daughters of his people.
The NIV version of Jeremiah 8:21-22 emphasizes God’s deep empathy, saying, “Since my daughters are crushed, I am crushed.” This highlights God as the Father of compassion who shares in His people's pain. Through this, you can see why the enemy intentionally targets fathers to create spiritual, physical, emotional, and relational vulnerability. Michelle believes that the father wound has a strong origin in Satan himself, but God has a depth of emotion for all of our pain and suffering.
Michelle hopes that this encourages anyone who says, “I have a father wound, and I have no idea what to do about it” to explore it. Maybe your father has passed on or will not come clean about it – there is still hope that God cares about your heart and the heart of suffering in general. This can give you some courage as you unpack this.
Through unpacking her own father wounds, Michelle had to look at her dad’s story. He was not fathered, and he raised himself on the south side of Chicago where he was in gangs from the age of 12. The more she got curious about her dad’s story, the more compassion she had for him and the things he lacked. There usually is a hurting human who is passing it on that hurt but we have the responsibility to change and process this within ourselves so we do not pass it on.
[15:40] How Can We Break The Generational Cycle of Trauma?
So how can we begin to break that cycle? How can we step out and be different? The starting point is recognizing that we will be getting the residual of what is being passed down to us, and we have the spiritual authority in Christ to have it stop with us, Michelle shares. She went through sexual abuse from her mom's father, and when she told her mom, she said this pattern is stopping here. As an abuse survivor who never dealt with her stuff, she was courageous enough to pick up the phone and confront it for her daughter.
You can be the one to say, “I am going to start opening up my wounds to Jesus, and I am not going to keep defending, deflecting, minimizing, excusing, or blaming.” You can also come with humility before God and open up your story to another trusted person who can pray with you, listen to you, and validate your hurt.
Michelle had those triggers and ended up dating an abuser for two years, where she was emotionally, mentally, and verbally abused. As successful as she was in her career and as much she knew about these things, she was in denial in her personal life. She shared how she wrote down 66 things that he did not like about her when they broke up, which included that she smiled too much, she did not greet him the right way, and even through this, she got back together with him because she loved him.
She shares that she had a severe grandfather wound that had blocked her from thriving, and nobody talked about that even through Bible college and being a pastor's daughter. They all just moved on to do the right thing for God, and this is what led her to call a counselor. When they broke up that last time, her counselor would ask her, “Where was Jesus in this?” every time she unpacked a story. She said to them, “He was not there.” She did not believe that he showed up in dark places.
As everything came out, her therapist would say over and over, “Where is Jesus in that memory?” One day, she saw Jesus standing at her head, stroking her hair, and she could feel him mourning with her. She never knew that He was there with her, and this reminded her that He says, “I will go with you through the valley of the shadow of death,” not around it, over it, but through. Michelle shares with us a poem she wrote for her younger self that she spoke at a conference:
“Then Jesus cried out to his father in his moment of excruciating pain, he modeled their depth of engagement. He knew there would be greater gain when I went through similar torment. I was afraid to get close to God. And by God, I mean the father. I thought he was a scary facade. But Jesus knew I needed connection, so he stepped in and showed me his face. I only learned much later, they were both there with me giving grace. At first, I didn't trust the father. I thought Jesus was all I did need. But in time, I came to understand that his dad could stop the bleed. I wish now that I'd run faster to my father, the one whose hands have my name tattooed on them. They give me safety and a place to land. Jesus escorted me to his father, who tells me, I'm part of his fam. He says, I never have to be alone. He accepts me just as I am.”
I think we sometimes forget that there are three distinct persons in the Trinity, and especially if there's been a father wound, maybe we cling to one of the other members of the Trinity like Jesus – and yet, we have a desire for a father to love us and to lead us. Michelle is living proof that healing can happen.
[21:37] What Are The Signs of Father Wounds in Marriage and Parenting?
If you go back to the 8,9, and 10 scale and you find yourself personalizing things, such as your partner coming into the room saying, “Can you turn that music down?”, this is usually linked to a father wound. This comment may have had nothing to do with you, but you feel as if it is about power and control. One of Michelle’s friends said that when his wife would say, “Can you separate the lights from the darks when you do laundry?” what he heard was, “You can’t do anything right.” So if you find that you turn things into feeling like a power struggle, it is usually a father wound. Fathers tend to exert power, and they often do not realize the power and intensity of their voice.
Another sign is that you struggle to be sexually seen, intimate, or responsive – especially in marriage. This is because there is a wall of protection around you, and you are hyper vigilant because something does not feel safe. When you were never protected or were abandoned, you often feel like you will not let someone get the last word or get the best of you.
Michelle emphasizes the importance of asking someone close to you for insight into your patterns. Leaders, in particular, often carry the self-imposed belief that they must always have it all together and provide answers for others, avoiding vulnerability about their own struggles. This can stem from having a father who modeled toughness and valued a strong work ethic over emotional connection. As a result, leaders may resist showing their softer, more vulnerable side, reinforcing a pattern of emotional disconnection.
[24:43] The Importance of Addressing These Wounds
It is not easy to go through and process these wounds, but if we do not address them, they can unknowingly impact our marriage, our parenting, and other areas of life. We can have these devastating things that happen to us, but we have the power to choose differently and to break the generational cycles. Even though it is your own baggage, it affects so many vital relationships in your life. As challenging as the work can be, the fruit is there when we address it.
Michelle shares that one of her clients noticed that she numbed out a lot during her day when her husband and children were gone. This is called dissociation, which means you are not associated with your body and what is happening around you. An indicator is usually that you lose time. Her kids started naming her the “bad mom” when she would get in this disconnected place where things were not getting done and there was chaos in the home. But what was so beautiful is that this woman reached out. As we unpacked this, we realized that her father was a positive buffer for her from a very difficult mom. And since her father recently died, all of these unresolved emotions got brought to the surface. Through processing her grief and inviting Jesus into her healing journey, she gradually became more present in her body and her daily life.
[27:29] Using The “HEAL” Acronym to Work Through Bitterness and Anger Towards Our Fathers
Having bitterness and anger towards a father that did something or maybe did not do something is common. So what do we do with this? Michelle shares a powerful acronym that she often uses as she and her father are going through a rough patch:
H: honestly face the hurt
E: express the pain
A: allow another to walk with you
L: let go of the pain of the hurt
The first step is H, which stands for “Honestly face the hurt.” It's common to avoid acknowledging pain, but true healing requires confronting it. Some people misuse Philippians 3, interpreting “forgetting what is behind” as ignoring their past. Paul was not denying his history, he was refusing to let it define his identity. Facing hurt means being honest about your experiences. A helpful practice is to write down your hurts, whether in a list or journal form, allowing you to process and release those emotions.
The next step is E, which stands for “Express the pain.” Get it out some way, whether that be journaling it out, talking it out, crying it out, beating it out, or any other therapeutic release. Michelle used to beat a pillow with a stick to process the abuse from her grandfather. These emotions are not meant to be held inside. If we do not process our anger and bitterness, it will spray at everyone else. Then there is more shame, blame, and condemnation. So, if you express healthily, this allows you to not harbor bitterness and not harm other people. Michelle loves a model called Forgiving the Unforgivable by Beverly Flanigan. She says that first, you have to name the injury, and then you have to claim it.
The next step is A, which stands for “Allow another to walk with you” – having a safe witness to your pain. This also leads to the L, which is “Letting go” and that is a key part of this process. The concept of forgiveness, which ultimately means “letting go,” was the focus of Michelle’s doctoral dissertation on unforgiveness of the self about eating disorders. Letting go of anger prevents it from turning into bitterness. It is not about avoiding anger. Even Scripture says, “Be angry, but do not sin.” God Himself gets angry at sin, and Jesus expressed righteous anger at the money changers in the temple. The things that have caused you pain grieve the heart of God. But if anger is not acknowledged and released, it can take root as bitterness, which is something none of us want.
Healing does not always require involving the person who caused the hurt, like a father in the case of a father wound. While working with a counselor or mental health professional can be helpful, a lot of the healing work can be done on our own. We are responsible for acknowledging that the anger we feel is reasonable and valid. But then we have to decide: are we going to let it build up bitterness? Are we going to let it infect our marriage and parenting? “Infect” is really a good word because that is exactly what happens. When we carry that unresolved hurt, it spreads, impacting our relationships and emotional well-being.
[34:48] Alicia’s Reflections: If This Was Triggering For You, Take Some Time to Take Care of Yourself Today and Reach Out For Additional Support if Needed
There is so much power in this conversation and the acronym that Michelle shared. It reminds me a lot of the ADD model I teach in the book Emotional Confidence. We need to acknowledge our reactions and understand that what we are feeling is normal. Then we have to discern what might be there that is true, but also what we have allowed the enemy to plant as a false truth in our heart – specifically about our worth or about our role in a relationship. Then, decide to take steps toward healing, whether through counseling, prayer, or other support.
It might be frightening to look at things, but the impact and change that we can make can help stop the generational trauma that may be happening. It comes down to you and I making those brave decisions and knowing we do not have to do this alone. As Joshua 1:9 says, “This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” We are not alone in what we go through.
There are a lot of really tender moments that we talked about, and if you are feeling triggered or upset, this is normal. Take some time to take care of yourself, and let God bring some comfort to you. Thank you for being willing to do the deeper work because this is the work that God needs to do in all of us to be able to help us let his light shine brighter for this world. I want to acknowledge you for your bravery.
Make sure to check out Dr. Michelle’s resources, including her Podcast and free downloads. And if you are feeling like this was really triggering and you are ready to start this step but need some professional mental health help first, BetterHelp is a great fit. They are a Christian counseling resource that you can access anywhere in the world online (and in most cases, they take insurance).
RESOURCES:
Tired of up-and-down feelings stealing your peace, sabotaging your relationships, and filling your mind with self-defeating thoughts? If so, make sure to get my new book, “Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture”.
Connect with counselor Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield
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