305: What to Ask Yourself to Stop Procrastination, Complaining and Victim Thinking with John G. Miller (Mental Fitness Series)

Do procrastination, complaining, and victim thinking impact your day-to-day life without you even realizing it? As part of our Mental Fitness Series, author John G. Miller joins us for an eye-opening episode about how we can shift negative thought patterns with his “Question Behind the Question” (QBQ) concept.

WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:

[03:49] What Does “QBQ” Mean + How Is It Built on Negative Thought Patterns?
[06:15] “We Can Only Change Ourselves”
[08:10] The Importance of Acknowledging Our Feelings Then Moving Forward
[11:33] What Are “Incorrect Questions? And How Do They Perpetuate Victim Thinking?
[13:48] How Can Parents Balance Accountability And Consequences Without Falling Into Blame Or Fear-Based Parenting?
[17:52] What Question Can Shift Us From Procrastination to Purposeful Action?
[20:53] Have You Ever Said, “I'm Waiting on God for Answers”?
[23:58] The Power of Believing “I Can Only Change Me”
[26:40] Alicia’s Reflections: Are You Taking This Conversation as Personal Alignment, or Are You Taking Offense? Take Some Time With The Lord and Let It Simmer in Your Heart

[03:49] What Does “QBQ” Mean + How Is It Built on Negative Thought Patterns?

John created QBQ, the question behind the question, because he noticed that we often jump to the negative, such as blaming, whining, complaining, and pointing fingers. He sees the necessity of focusing on the other end of the spectrum–practicing personal accountability. QBQ is a concept that John created based on his real-world experience. For years, he sold management training where he listened to people blame each other, point fingers, and complain. One day, he said, “There must be a better path.”

So, instead of asking ourselves, “Why do we have to go through all this change?” we can instead ask ourselves, “What can I do to adapt to the changing world?” Instead of asking, “When will my husband or my wife do more for me?” How about asking, “How can I serve her or him more effectively?” John started to turn questions around, and this is how QBQ came to be. It is all about personal accountability. Matthew 7:1-5 says, “Before you remove the speck from someone else’s eye, take the beam out of your own” – and John explains that is what QBQ is all about.

[06:15] “We Can Only Change Ourselves”

If you are feeling like “That is great, I want to be accountable for my actions, but the reality is my husband/job/etc is doing this to me,” John shares that when he was featured on the Dave Ramsey program, he ended it with the phrase, “I can only change me.” We can complain about our employer, best friend, or spouse, or we can ask, “How can I change me today?”

The most powerful aspect John teaches in the QBQ book is that we may be frustrated, angry, and hurt by others, but much of this is a choice. During this hurt and anger, we can pause and say, “Wait a minute. What can I do right now to move forward?” An important part of this process is asking better questions.

[08:10] The Importance of Acknowledging Our Feelings Then Moving Forward

On this podcast we often talk about my A.D.D. Method (acknowledge, discern, and decide) when managing an emotion. It is still important to acknowledge emotions and the pain from them, but we cannot allow the pain to dictate how we act and the decisions we make.

John shares that with the younger generation, it is all about feelings and emotions, and gentle parenting often comes into play. He comes from the boomer generation, where they did not talk about emotions. He says that somewhere in the middle is the sweet spot. There is a middle ground between no feelings and all about feelings.

In reality, our thoughts create our actions. John shares the example that if he were to think “Alicia's a bad person, and she is out to get me,” then this can lead to a feeling of anger. Then, you have an action that comes from that feeling. So, if the feeling drives the action, then we have to control our feelings. If he changed his thought to, “What can I do to be a better friend to Alicia?” now he has a more positive thought.

In brain science, it is a proven fact that our thoughts shape our emotions, our emotions drive our decisions, and those decisions lead to our actions. That does not mean we ignore or stuff down our feelings. It means we choose what we do with them. Are we going to sit in them, let them fester, and become someone who constantly asks negative questions? Or are we going to recognize the feeling, process it, and choose a better path forward?

Some days just push us toward negative behavior, but if we go through life always looking to be offended, what kind of life is that? So, instead of pointing fingers and saying, “They offended me again,” what if we asked, “How can I be a better me?”

It is like we walk into situations with a filter already on, expecting someone to say something wrong, John says. And when they do, we are ready to throw it right back at them. But maybe we do not have to live that way, and we can choose a different filter.

[11:33] What Are Incorrect Questions? And How Do They Perpetuate Victim Thinking?

In the QBQ method, IQ stands for “Incorrect Question.” IQs usually start with why, when, and who. “Why” questions often lead up to a pity party and victim thinking, such as:

-Why is this happening to me?

-Why don't they support me more?

-Why don't I ever get a break?

-Why doesn’t my employer treat me better?

-Why don't I get paid more?

“Why” questions tend to take us to victim thinking, entitlement, and feeling sorry for ourselves. John asks groups this question all of the time, and as he poses it to us, he shares to be careful with our answers: “When I play victim, who am I serving?” People often say they are serving themselves, but the truth is, we are not serving anyone when we play the victim.

The second type of incorrect question begins with “when”:

-When will they get back to me?

-When will they change?

-When will they stop behaving like that?

-When will they treat me better?

“When” questions lead us to procrastination, which is habitually deferring action to a future time. So, instead of asking, “When will they treat me like they should?” we should be asking ourselves, “What can I do to treat them better?”

The third type of incorrect question begins with “who”:

-Who dropped the ball?

-Who missed the deadline?

-Who made the mistake?

-Who left the peanut butter and the bread all over the counter?

“Who” questions lead to blame and finger-pointing. John has another book called Outstanding! 47 Ways to Make Your Organization Exceptional, and one of the chapters is about not seeking culprits. Outstanding organizations do not seek culprits. Incorrect questions begin with why, when, and who; they take us to victim thinking, procrastination, and blame. The higher path is personal accountability.

[13:48] How Can Parents Balance Accountability And Consequences Without Falling Into Blame Or Fear-Based Parenting?

As parents, we do not want to enable our kids by not confronting them, but we also do not want to blame them. John shares that there is a gray area and that we have to use our discernment. When we run around saying, “Who did this?” we create fear. But if we say, “Hey, would you please come back here and clean up the peanut butter and the jelly you left on the counter?”- this is more supportive.

If we have a son or a daughter who is repetitively doing the same thing over and over without consequences, there is a problem. We need to be able to step in and be good parents. John also wrote a book called “Raising Accountable Kids,” and this book is about strong, love-based, logical parenting.

If you are a mom who is deeply committed to serving your children and you believe God will honor that – believe me, I see your heart. But sometimes, love looks like lovingly confronting our children.

As John shares, many parents today are afraid to be blunt because they do not want their kids to think they are being mean. But parenting well means holding our children to the standards, boundaries, principles, and values we have chosen for our families. You have to decide what matters in your home, he says.

If keeping a clean kitchen and picking up after yourself is one of your absolutes, then it is something worth addressing. And if your child continues to resist, then something has to change – because values are not real unless we are willing to stand by them, John shares.

[17:52] What Question Can Shift Us From Procrastination to Purposeful Action?

“When” questions almost feel reasonable at the start, so how do we get out of the procrastination that “when” questions bring and into a different mindset to move forward? John shares that the QBQ has a few guidelines. The first guideline is that QBQs begin with the words: what or how. These questions help all of us stay out of the victim, procrastination, and blame mode.

This is not meant to be taken literally – it is not that you can never ask “why,” “when,” or “who.” But if asking “why” turns into playing the victim, it is time to stop. If the “when” questions keep us stuck, waiting, and taking no action, and if the “who” questions only lead to blame – then those questions are not serving us. They are keeping us from moving forward. We want to start questions with “what” or “how”, but then we also want to put in the personal pronoun “I” because we can only change ourselves.

The last guideline of the QBQ is all about action. If you think about most people stuck in a victim mindset, there is usually a lot of verbal whining, including complaining about other people, institutions, or how unfair life is. What is often missing is the action. Instead of sitting in the “why me” or “who's to blame” we need to ask questions like:

-What can I do today to find a new job?

-How can I improve my skills right now?

-What step can I take to make a difference today?

We have to move away from lamenting what others are doing or not doing and take ownership of what we can do.

There is a quote in John’s book that says, “I'd rather be the person who is sometimes told to wait than be the person who waits to be told.” Being an Enneagram 8 and an ESTJ on the Myers Briggs scale, this is part of his personality – but it still applies to all of us.

Sometimes, we just need to move. Action shifts our energy and releases endorphins. It boosts our mood, our motivation, and our momentum. That is what QBQ is about: taking personal accountability and getting things done instead of blaming or waiting for someone else to fix it.

[20:53] Have You Ever Said, “I'm Waiting on God for Answers”?

A common question in Christian circles is, “I am waiting on God for answers. When will he show me what to do?”

John shares that one of the biggest lessons he has learned over the years is that “faith without works is dead.” Back in the ’90s, one of his mentors told him, “God will not steer a parked car.” That simple truth reminded him that sometimes, we just need to get moving. He even had a friend who became a passionate Jesus-lover overnight but then stayed in bed all day, waiting for Christ to tell him what to do next.

Through all of this, John realized: when we take action, especially as prayerful, God-seeking people, we may be blessed, or we may make mistakes. Either way, we are moving, learning, and growing, and that is what matters.

[23:58] The Power of Believing “I Can Only Change Me”

John shares that the most important thing to remember with QBQ is that we can only change ourselves. Between growing up in an alcoholic home, selling management training, and selling to executives, he realized that simple truth. Now, he and his daughter go out and teach QBQ to corporations and talk about the power of personal accountability.

When John and his daughter speak, they usually share the ultimate QBQ, which is, “How can I let go of what I can not control?” and the inverse of that is, “What can I do to change the things I can control? What can I do to change me?”

When they teach this, they have married people walk up to them at the end of the session and say “I need to go home and tell my spouse ‘I am sorry, I have been trying to fix you’” And John has had people report back three months later that everything started to become better the day they decided to work on themselves. So, in the end, remember the phrase, “I can only change me.”

[26:40] Alicia’s Reflections: Are You Taking This Conversation as Personal Alignment, or Are You Taking Offense? Take Some Time With The Lord and Let It Simmer in Your Heart

You can take this information two ways:

-As personal realignment and realizing that you may be falling into victim thinking and needed this reminder

-As an offense and you are now thinking “What about the shared responsibility for this? What do they need to change in these areas?”

I am curious how you heard it, and if you are offended, I recommend that you take some time to sit with the Lord and let this simmer in your heart.

Remember, what we have been saying all along is that taking personal accountability does not mean minimizing pain. It does not mean we ignore the reality that someone may have hurt you or that tough decisions might still need to be made.

Like we talked about with parenting, it is not about carrying the burden in silence or avoiding what needs to be addressed. It is about choosing a forward-thinking mindset that keeps us from spinning in circles. QBQ helps us stay focused on what we can control so we do not get stuck in the “when” and “who” questions that lead nowhere.

I would love to hear what you took from this episode, and even if there are other episodes on related topics that you would like to hear about. DM me on Instagram or Facebook, or you can comment on any of the posts we have there. You can also leave a review on Apple Podcasts to let me know your thoughts on the episode or any other episodes that have supported you!

RESOURCES:

Tired of up-and-down feelings stealing your peace, sabotaging your relationships, and filling your mind with self-defeating thoughts? If so, make sure to get my new book, “Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture”.

Connect with author John G. Miller