288: Emotional Confidence Through Empty Nest Syndrome with Ann Dunagan
Is empty nest syndrome impacting your life too? Today, motivational speaker Ann Dunagan joins us to share insights on managing emotions through this transition and how to work through feelings of loneliness, identity shifts, and fear of the unknown while trusting God’s plan for this new season. It is possible to have emotional confidence throughout this journey and this episode gives us practical tools to do just that.
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN:
- [04:51] What Are The Most Common Emotions That Come Up During Empty Nest Syndrome?
- [10:09] How Does Bringing Our Emotions to God Help to Solidify Our Relationship With Him?
- [12:02] Practical Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage During the Empty Nest Season
- [15:17] How Can We Balance the Emotions Surrounding Our Adult Children Making Their Own Decisions?
- [19:38] Letting Go of Parenting Shame and Releasing Our Responsibility to God
- [25:21] The Three Steps of Managing Emotions + Free Bible Verses on Joy
- [28:45] Alicia’s Reflections: Do You Feel That The Best is Gone? Do you Have a Fear of This Being Your “New Normal?”
- [32:33] Using ADD + Emotional Confidence to Navigate the Emotions of an Empty Nester
[04:51] What Are The Most Common Emotions That Come Up During Empty Nest Syndrome?
As Ann’s children started growing up and moving out, many different emotions came up for her. Being able to have her identity rooted in Christ really helped her during this transition. Her identity of where she lived, what she did, and her job title were all changing. They downsized houses, all of her children were done with school, and she realized that while all of these external things were part of her, they did not define her. The physical process of downsizing and getting rid of stuff helped her emotionally let go of previous seasons.
When her oldest son left home and went to college, it was an adjustment but she still had six kids at home. Then when he graduated from college, he went into the Marine Corps as an officer. This was a different process of releasing fears. He was on the front line commanding snipers in Afghanistan and there were long periods when she did not know where he was. She had to lean into God’s grace and realize worry and fear are not helpful. The Bible talks about taking those thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. Knowing this, she would ask herself “God, what are you saying and what is your truth?”
Ann started a practice where she would make an audio on her phone with different verses for each child so that when worry or fear came up she could listen to it and renew her mind and heart to the true Word of God. This helped her to realize that God cares about her heart, emotions, and the things she is concerned about.
Although God has a calm that He wants us to enter into, we first have to acknowledge what we are feeling. We need to come to Him and pour our hearts out, recognize what is there, why it makes sense that we feel that way, and then come out on the other side of it. We need to be heard before we ask ourselves, “What is the next best step?”
[10:09] How Does Bringing Our Emotions to God Help to Solidify Our Relationship With Him?
There is a verse that speaks of not only knowing God but also being known by Him. For Ann, the realization that God knows her completely has been a source of emotional confidence and stability. When her emotions and thoughts felt overwhelming, she found peace in bringing them to Jesus. Ann often takes Jesus’ words literally to “consider the lilies of the field” and goes outside to look at flowers.
The other day, she went on a long walk by the ocean and watched the tiny crabs scurrying along, completely at home in such a dangerous environment. At that moment, she felt the Lord saying, “Look at these crabs for a while. See how they thrive where I have placed them, even in challenging conditions. If I care for these little creatures, how much more do I care for you?” This realization deepened Ann’s trust in God’s design and reminded her of how much He cares for each of us.
[12:02] Practical Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage During the Empty Nest Season
Marriage is for life and it is something that, like the crabs, we ride the waves of. So how does empty nest syndrome affect marriage? In Ann’s life, an empty nest did not hit all at once. Since she has seven children, there were so many different life events going on at different times. She and her husband have just celebrated 39 years of marriage and they have been in this process together that entire time.
Something that she recommends is to nurture your marriage even when your children are at home. Because when they grow up and move away, it is a new season and you only have each other. They have been empty nest parents for five years but they have been in the process of it for 20 years. Spending time together, getting to know each other even more, and being willing to say “yes, I’ll go do that with you” more often is important. Making memories and having fun together will grow your partnership and friendship. Ann reminds us that romance does not have to just be at 10 p.m. In marriage, both people change so much throughout every season so spending time getting to know each version is important.
[15:17] How Can We Balance the Emotions About Our Adult Children Making Their Own Decisions?
Honoring our children and their decisions is such a significant challenge, and it truly requires faith and trust in God. The key is to bring all our cares and worries to Him, knowing He is ultimately in control. It is also important to remember that our children know where we stand – they know our values, convictions, and the principles that we have instilled in them. Sometimes, the decisions they make are not black and white and it is not about a Biblical way versus a non-Biblical way. Personal or cultural preferences are unique to each family and it is important to not take things personally. We can find peace in knowing we raised them the way we believed God led us to.
As our children grow, especially when they marry and form their own families, it is even more important to honor their autonomy. This does not mean we stop caring or guiding when needed, but it does mean we trust God with their journey and show them love and respect in the process.
[19:38] Letting Go of Parenting Shame and Releasing Our Responsibility to God Through the Empty Nest Years
As I transition to an empty nest season, I (Alicia) have dealt with guilt and shame around things I wish I would have done when raising my children. Someone once said to me that people look at our kids in two stages, the toddler years, to see if we are teaching them the right things, and the end of the teen years, to see if they absorbed those things. There is so much responsibility that we take on as parents and the thoughts of what we could have done differently.
Ann shared an interesting perspective on parenting through different stages of life. She said that when parents have a teenager with a bad attitude, they understand that it is just a phase and that they raised their child well. But as children grow up and make their own choices, parents can struggle to acknowledge their children’s freedom to make those decisions. While yes it is easy for a parent to internalize the choices their child makes and feel like they have been a terrible parent – this is untrue and not helpful.
Another challenge is that the Bible talks about older women teaching younger women, which suggests that their wisdom should be welcome. This is not always true and Ann has learned to keep her opinions to herself. Her children already know what she believes and where she stands, so she focuses on giving them space, honoring their autonomy, and turning to prayer. Ann’s mother-in-law once told her that she would only advise if they asked three times. This is what Ann aims for with her children.
We also have to let things go – we do not have to attach meaning to everything. I have had to release that I cannot affect where their heart is at. I will pray for them and while yes, we are called to raise them in faith, God is big enough to bring our children conviction and other people to help them on this journey too. I became a Christian after I left my family of origin at 19 so we never know who God is going to bring into our children's lives to support them on this path. Sometimes their spiritual journey is not going to happen in our home and we need to release that desire.
Though situations can feel overwhelming to us, they are never too much for God. There is a verse in Proverbs 31 about the virtuous woman that says, “Strength and honor are her clothing, and she shall rejoice in time to come.” When Ann finds herself grieving over something she sees in the moment, she returns to that scripture and prays: “Lord, I need your strength. I want to walk in your grace, the grace you have made available for me right now as a mother, facing these concerns for my children.” This helps her to realize that He can take care of them. The Word of God is hidden in the hearts of our children and the Holy Spirit can bring that to light. Despite the challenges, we need to know that the Lord is going to take care of them. We need support in living in a place of faith right now instead of living in worry, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness.
[25:21] The Three Steps of Managing Emotions + Free Bible Verses on Joy
All of this comes down to the choice of “Where do we want to live emotionally?” ADD, my three-step process for managing an emotion, can help us in this journey. First, we have to acknowledge the emotion – why does it make sense that it is there? Then we lean into God’s compassion to discern what is true and untrue. What does the Word of God say? What is God revealing as mine to own and what is not mine to carry? Finally, we have to decide in light of this, what is the next step God wants me to take?
This leads us directly to the idea of choosing where we emotionally dwell. We can recognize that some situations are difficult and require time & working with the Lord to resolve them. But we get to choose if we are living in fear and worry or if we are choosing to trust that the Lord has taken care of it.
Ann loves to get God’s Word into the hearts of those who desire it. She has been learning a lot about happiness and joy and a tool that she has created is 50 Happy Verses on Joy. All of these verses have to do with joy and gladness – with many different perspectives. Ann has been in ministry with her husband for 40 years and they have so many more resources on their website that can support you on this journey.
[28:45] Alicia’s Reflections: Do You Feel That The Best is Gone? Do you Have a Fear of This Being Your “New Normal?”
As part of this series on emotional confidence, I wanted to talk about some of the emotions that may come up throughout this journey and how we can use ADD to address them. First is the emotion of loneliness. If you have walked through this season, you know that anytime our identity is shifting or changing, there is a decision whether we are going to move into this new role or stay where we are and feel left behind. With this journey of loneliness specifically, there is this grief that this part of our journey has ended.
Five years ago, I struggled with thinking about my kids when they were younger. I was struggling with the feeling of not doing enough, that maybe I did something wrong, and so many other feelings were coming up. I would have panic attacks even looking back at those younger years. God had to help me acknowledge some of the feelings that were behind that and gave me a new love and appreciation for where my children and I are now. We tend to think that certain seasons are “easier” or “better” and we also put more pressure on ourselves in certain seasons of parenting. I know for me I started to believe that the best years were behind me and this story lingered.
So, if you are feeling loneliness in this empty nest season, I want to ask you these questions: Do you find yourself thinking that the best is gone – whether in your parenting or your marriage? And along with that, is there a fear of what this new normal will bring? A fear of stepping into the unknown because even if what was going on before was not ideal, you at least understood it?
That uncertainty can feel overwhelming and has us asking ourselves: Who am I now? What does my marriage look like in this new chapter? How do I show up as the parent of an older child or as an in-law to a child who is married? There are so many shifting dynamics in this season of life, and it can feel like a loss of control. What I loved about Ann’s wisdom was how she kept bringing it all back to one truth – our foundation is in Christ. Through every curve or bump in the road, every season is an opportunity to reestablish our identity and trust in Him.
[32:33] Using ADD + Emotional Confidence to Navigate the Emotions of an Empty Nester
As we think about issues like loneliness, purpose, identity, shame, and feeling out of control because we cannot tell our children what to do anymore – we can use a tool like ADD to help us process these emotions. We do not have to run from what we are feeling, we can acknowledge it and sit with the Lord and have His truth spoken over us. Then He can help us discern what to do with it and decide what we need to do next.
Then we can ask ourselves: “Where do I want to live emotionally? Do I want to live in the hope that God is in control, that He loves me, that He has good plans for me, and that He is not asleep on the throne in some of these areas in my marriage or my children's life? And if that is where I want to live, what do I need to do to be able to emotionally dwell in those places?”
My book, Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture is a great tool to help you dig into some of these things. Not only do I teach you the science and Biblical proof behind ADD, but I also help you walk through very specific emotions – along with questions so you can create your ADD statement. This is a statement that you create based on each step of the process so you have something tangible after working through an emotion. We all need more tangible tools because we cannot just “let go and give it to God.” There are also a ton of downloads that go along with the book to further the study.
I recommend going through this book with a partner, friend, or group. Imagine how awesome it would be to be able to model these skills of being emotionally confident with our children. We can be emotionally confident in Christ in every season, no matter what we are going through, and that is something that people catch onto and adopt into their lives.
Emotional confidence does not mean that we do not have the rollercoaster of emotions or that bad things never happen to us – it simply means that we can face whatever emotion comes our way. I pray that you will check out Emotional Confidence and learn and grow in Christ as a result.
RESOURCES:
Tired of up-and-down feelings stealing your peace, sabotaging your relationships, and filling your mind with self-defeating thoughts? If so, make sure to get my new book, “Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture”.
Want to see what Emotional Confidence is about? Download the first chapter for FREE!
Connect with best-selling author & motivational speaker Ann Dunagan
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