Why Christian Marriages Need More Sex Than Ever
We all long to have a strong Christian marriage. Unfortunately, many of our Christian marriages are suffering simply because we've stop intentionally investing in them.
And often the first “investment” to go? We stop having sex.
Sex in Christian marriage is how God designed a Christian couple to stay emotionally, spiritually and physically intimate.
Listen, I'm not here to pile on the guilt about why you personally may not having more sex in marriage!
We all have many good reasons why we're not having sex with our spouses as often as we'd like (and we're going to talk about those in this post).
But I hope that this post allows us to honestly reconsider the purpose of sex in Christian marriage. I want us to see how if we choose to not make sex in marriage a priority than we risk eroding the deep bond that a husband and wife need to keep a family strong.
I want to talk about Christian marriage and sex today not as a marriage expert, but as a Christian wife, mom and woman who has seen many Christian marriages crumble.
Of course there are complicated reasons why husbands and wives don't get along (or may even divorce), but sometimes I wonder if things would have turned out differently if the couples in these troubled marriages had made sex a priority.
Make no mistake–what we talk about in this post may save your marriage, or that of someone you know. I hope that if you find it helpful you'll share with others.
Why Making Love (and Not Just Having Sex) Is Key
Why the emphasis on sex and making love? And what's the difference between the two?
God gave us sex as an amazing way to–over and over, throughout the life of a Christian marriage–cement the bond between a husband and a wife.
And, contrary to what we're repeatedly shown in television and the media, the best sex is about more than just getting turned on or sexually excited.
Sex is the balm that covers over the hurtful words we say and the offenses we commit against one another.
The marriage bed is where we come and mend our wounds–a special connection shared with no one else.
Sex in marriage brings the closeness that we desperately need when dealing with rebellious children, challenging finances, or chronic illness.
And when a Christian couple makes love with the intention of pleasing each other (and not just their own physical desires), sex also becomes an incredibly beautiful mini-portrait of marriage overall.
Why Aren't We Having More Sex in Christian Marriage?
Wives, we have a thousand good excuses for why we’re not having sex (or if we are, why we’re not making love):
- My husband and I are so busy!
- One of us (or both of us) has a hectic travel schedule.
- We are just too tired after a long day.
- We're bored with each other.
- We just don't “feel like it.”
But here’s the thing (and I’m not going to sugarcoat this):
We have to find a way to overcome these trials for this season in our marriage, whether it’s easy or not.
We have to place “making love” at the top of the priority list–before kids, before work, before everything.
4 Mindsets to Consider for Better Sex in Christian Marriage
1) We've got to get past the fact that the physical attraction may no longer be there (because that will wax and wane) (Proverbs 31:30-31).
2) We've got to ignore the idea that marriage (and even sex) is about each person giving an equal part, and instead embrace that it's about both spouses giving 100%. Period. (Romans 12:1)
3) And we absolutely need to recognize that porn, erotica or other non-biblical sexual stimuli we may bring into the bedroom in order to “spice up our sex life” are as destructive as wildfire.
These may seem to bring the solutions we seek (we want more sex, right?) but instead of inviting “making love” into the bedroom, we end up turning our beautiful sexual connection into simple animal lust.
4) We've got to stand up and change our mindset about making love (even if our spouse isn't on board yet) and to completely and utterly make great sex a priority in order to nourish, protect (and perhaps even save) our marriages.
First, we need to recognize two things: We need to understand the enemy's plans against our marriage; and then, we need to determine where our marital weaknesses lie and make the changes we need.
The Enemy’s Plan Against Your Marriage (and Great Sex)
Your marriage has an enemy, whether you believe it or not.
He was there on your wedding day, and he's been plotting to destroy you, your spouse, your kids and everything good in your family since you said “I do.”
He may be sly and cunning, but he's got one huge fatal flaw in every single one of his plans:
The enemy simply cannot stand against God and his plan for the family.
The enemy has NO chance, and he knows it.
That is, unless… we open the door and invite him in.
How do we unknowingly invite the enemy in our Christian marriages (and our marriage sex life)? Here are three 3 key ways:
1) We allow him to keep us busy in other (often good) areas of life so that we keep our eyes off of sex and our foundational marriage relationship.
2) We ignore our spouse's needs, fighting for the rights “we deserve” in marriage and forgetting that true love is others-centered instead of me-centered (1 Corinthians 13).
3) We let the everyday annoyances (which will never fully go away) to build an impenetrable fortress around our hearts that turns marriage into a contract instead of a cherished covenant (and turns making love into a duty). (Song of Solomon 2:15)
Overall, our enemy takes the most powerful glue in marriage–the incredible joy of sex and marital intimacy–and twists our desires into lust (which he is more than happy to fulfill through pornography) and complacency (distracting us with “good things” so that marital closeness becomes a back-burner item).
But here's our hope: When it comes to sex in a Christian marriage, God wants to give us more than lust and complacency.
He wants us to have close marriage relationships… and it starts with a marriage bed that is passionate and thriving.
How to Turn Married Sex Into Making Love
Most of us don't need a sex therapist in order to have the closer sexual intimacy that we crave. That's because the closeness we desire is only partially found between the sheets.
In fact, making love starts with simple everyday connection with our spouses.
That's why I highly encourage you to use a marriage resource like Consecrated Conversations to build regular, meaningful conversation with your spouse about those issues that matter.
This awesome couples devotional from my dear friends (and marriage coaches) Mike + Carlie Kercheval goes deep on important topics that matter to Christian couples (everything from forgiveness to communication issues to sex). I love that it's goal is to help you create the healthy habit of better marriage communication in 30 days or less!
This best-selling couples devotional has helped over 16,000 couples build a better marriage!
The Kerchevals, certified marriage coaches, Bible teachers and an awesome married couple of over 21 years, will introduce you to a 30 day, step-by-step proven process for learning:
- how to pray together as a couple
- how to read the Bible as a couple
- how to better communicate about important marriage issues
With three sections in each devotion (including a Bible verse, “Converse & Reflect” questions, and a sample prayer), this marriage resource encourages couples to discover intimacy in marriage like never before.
Consecrated Conversations is a digital resource, which means my husband and I don't need to carry a book around because we have this powerful couples devotional available right on our phones or tablets. Yes!
And there's a bonus video workshop ($97 value!) and 30 scripture cards ($17 value) to go with the devotional!
I love how practical this couples devotional is, and how Mike and Carlie really encourage couples to invite God into their marriage discussions. Only God is the one that can bring true satisfaction, contentment and unity in marriage, right?
I also appreciate that Consecrated Conversations understands the big needs of Christian couples: that we want to communicate and connect with our spouses and we're disappointed and hurt that we can't seem to make it happen. Consecrated Conversations is a specific, proven roadmap for a closer marriage for Christian couples.
I highly recommend this marriage devotional to many couples as the best couples devotional out there! Order your copy here.
P.S. Did I mention that this couples devotional experience (that includes an e-book, a video workshop, and scripture cards) is an INSANE value?! It's only $47 for $161 worth of content.
Seriously, the Consecrated Conversations Devotional is an amazing bible study experience to do with your spouse! What are you waiting for?
GO HERE TO GET CONSECRATED CONVERSATIONS
We Need More Sex in Our Christian Marriages (Truly!)
Bottom line, you and I need to have sex more with our spouses in order to have the intimacy we crave in Christian marriage. We need to take whatever steps necessary to remove every obstacle that seeks to keep us from making love to our spouses.
We need to make drastic changes, starting today, that will not only improve our marital relationship but strengthen our family God's way.
Regardless of your feelings (or of where your spouse may stand on this topic), it starts with you, and it starts with me.
Pray and ask God right now how He wants you to change here.
Let's protect our marriages by choosing to be intentional with our spouses and to have more sex!
Other Posts About Sex in Christian Marriage
- 65 Incredible Resources for Better Sex in Christian Marriage
- The Surprising Secret to Better Sex in Christian Marriage
- How to Flirt with Your Husband (18 Fun & Easy Ways)
- Romantic Love Quotes to Share with Your Spouse
- 57 Top Romantic Movies for Stay at Home Date Nights
- 8 Bible Verses About Love in Marriage
- 130 Creative Ways to Say I Love You to Your Spouse
And don't forget to check out the Consecrated Conversations Couples Devotional so that you can build your intimacy with your spouse from the inside out!
I really PRAISE the MOST HIGH GOD for Using You on this.
May HE continue loading you with more wisdom and knowledge
We try to make love (have sex) but at our ages, him 66 and me 60, we both have such low sex hormones it is hard to actually complete the “act”. We both want more than just holding and touching each other. ED pills have not helped him either. We are at a loss as what to do to spice up our marriage bed. When we were younger, we had a great sex life and we are still too young to give up sex completely.
Hey Shauna! Thanks so much for drawing this to my attention! The link is working now! I hope you’re able to check it out. Blessings to you as you strengthen your marriage!
I tried to download the link. It doesn’t seem to be working! I am so sad! Trying to strengthen our marriage!!! Love what you are saying so far!!! Please help me get it thanks!
Auriel! Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry to hear this! It sounds like things are very challenging in your marriage and that there are some deep core issues going on that need to be addressed. I would highly recommend that you and your husband find a trusted counselor or pastor who can help you both process what’s going on and get to the bottom of this. I think every couple struggles from time to time with the feelings waxing and waning, but we each need to learn how to process our emotions while dealing with that (because they are still real). I also understand those moments when you feel like he doesn’t give you the love and attention you need (been there too). I will say, however, that something that God has taught me is that my heart was ultimately not made to be fulfilled by my husband. My husband needs to be loving and actively be a part of the relationship, of course. But bottom line, my need to be loved has to come from a deep understanding and relationship with Jesus. Not just a Sunday morning “check the box” kind of worship, but a daily, honest, pursuit of God through prayer and reading the Bible. He fills us up and gives us purpose. He shows us how to LIVE FULLY through those moments when we don’t think we can make it. He shows us HOW to love our husbands in those times when we feel nothing. I know this is a lot to talk about, but I would start with those two areas–looking to God to fill you up first and then giving you the love for your husband; and then seeking professional counsel together so there can be restoration. Don’t put it off… your kids and your marriage (and the full, vibrant life God wants for you) is worth it! Praying for you now.
My husband and I have not been intimate for at least 6 months. I do not feel attracted to him anymore. More than that I feel he doesn’t give me the love and attention that I need. I have spoken to him about this on numerous occasions, however he makes an attempt once and then reverts back to his old behaviour. I am trying to keep it together mainly for our kids but don’t know how much longer I can do this..I don’t even know if I still love him
Heather, I am so sorry to hear about this issue going on in your marriage. I can understand how frustrating that can be. There have been periods in our marriage where we have gone through this as well. There could be many reasons why he may not want to make love. What does he say about this when you ask him? If your marriage is close in other areas and you sense that he just isn’t into it sometimes, I’d let it go for now. It’s totally possible that you may each have differing sex drives. However, I know that still is frustrating because you may think, “Well, why wouldn’t you want to?” You may want to look at some the resources I have on this page for more in-depth help on this topic: https://aliciamichelle.com/resources-better-sex-christian-marriage/
Hi Carol, thank you for sharing you story here. I know that takes courage. I’m hesitant to give you a quick answer because it sounds like there may be some deeper issues going on in your marriage that need to be considered. I would highly recommend that you speak with a counselor, trusted friend or pastor who may be able to better direct you through this. I am praying right now that God would restore the closeness in your marriage.
My husband and I had struggle in in sexual relationship because he went through depression treatment that caused him to have low sex desire. He asked me to drive first to make him arouse then I tried it many times that it brought me to disappointment . So I decided to forget sex anymore. Then our relationship become cold i went to bed early and fall asleep before he went to rest. Yes i need moreintimacy with him but its hard . What will I do?
What if my husband is the one that doesn’t want to “make love” or even have sex? I seem to always initiate, and he doesn’t always have sex then?
Hi Rosemary! I’m so sorry to hear about these difficulties in your marriage right now. I am not a therapist, but here’s an idea. Would it be possible to connect in other physical ways (holding hands, hugging, etc) to make up for this? Of course it is not the same, but the point is to still keep that close connection using other means. I would suggest making sure that the other ways you connect and show love to each other are extra strong.
So what does an older couple, who both have chronic illnesses do to be intimate and deal with not making love? This is a hard subject in my marriage right now.
Beautiful thoughts, Aimee. I agree–making love should NEVER be a weapon used to manipulate. This breaks my heart as well when I hear about this. And thank you for sharing your testimony of God’s healing power over your past! All praise to Him! He is amazingly powerful and full of grace. And I’m always glad to share at Grace and Truth! 🙂 Blessings to you today.
I totally agree with you, Alicia. Making love is vital to a marriage. I cringe when I hear women use it as a means to get their way. I shudder when I hear someone say they haven’t made love in 2 years (sorry, I just wouldn’t be able to last that long!). There are many excuses to avoid intimacy. But…if I can receive full and complete healing in that area of my life (childhood sexual abuse), then anyone can experience the Lord’s redemption and restoration.
Thanks for sharing at Grace and Truth.
🙂 🙂 I LOVE this, Abigail. Thank you for your transparency and honesty!! It really is so so easy to put other things before our time alone with our husbands. And I love that you got off the computer to do just that!! LOL Awesome!
This is very true. My husband and I have 2 small kids and I recently entered into a home business which I am happy is doing well, but I find it is a constant excuse to always put work ahead of everything. It’s sorta silly to think I would rather work no stop then take time to be close with the person I love most. And that being said I will now take your advice and log off my computer and go be with my hubby for a while. Thanks for sharing. 😉